wow i haven't really cried for real in a while huh
13.03.24 | 8:11 pm


i am often on the students' morning announcements because i've had most of the journalism kids in class and they're wonderful. so this week they came and asked me what i was doing when covid first hit, and i got to tell the story about getting stuck in france.

i don't always actually watch the announcements, but i was on the thumbnail this time so i did.

and i looked so absolutely full of joy and happiness the entire time i was telling the story. but the only thing i could focus on was my double chin. as though it takes away from and ruins everything else about me. even though the first thing i saw was all this happiness bursting inside of me, that's all i could think about afterward.

a lot of things are leading up to this:

-i am fully off my medicine now (yay!) but it's weird to feel things at what seems like 150% now. i was on my anxiety meds for three straight years, so it's just something i haven't had in a while.

-at the beginning of this year i started tracking my food again in hopes of losing some weight. i tracked religiously, started strength training again, and then a month later, weighed myself, and i was about 4-5 lbs. heavier than i had been to begin with.

-this caused an absolute SPIRAL. and i am not out of the spiral yet. my brain is so stuck on the negative, so stuck on how disgusting and terrible and ugly i am -- and the worst part is that i KNEW that this would happen. i knew!! i KNEW!! and i did it anyway.

-and on top of that, my clothes literally were feeling better, and i had started really strength training again, so i know logically that it was probably muscle. but it's like my emotions can't stand it. they can't actually listen to it. i am just a terrible horrible ugly disgusting human (according to my dumbass brain).

i promise you i am not usually like this, but i am in such a negative headspace.

i know seth loves me, i know he says he will and he wants to marry me, but i still can't help thinking i am forcing his hand. and the idea that i would have to make someone marry me just makes me want to cry.

i don't feel like this all of the time, but it's really extreme tonight. i had an okay but not as good as i'd hoped 4 mile run, i'm tired, i watched the episode of new girl when schmidt proposes to cece, and i've been crying on and off ever since.

i know seth loves me. i can see it in literally everything he does. i feel it when he's with me. it's just not an extremely obvious kind of love to everyone else (at least that's what it feels like in my head). i want him to so outwardly show it to the entire rest of the world, and that is legitimately just not his way.

and i have to be okay with that.

but currently it just makes me so, so, so sad.

god. i swear 90% of the time i am fine, and i really wish i wrote in here more when i am happy. he is so, so good to me in so, so many ways, and here i am, literally in my bed crying that he doesn't automatically hold my hand or love on me when we're around other people.

ugh.

okay, i have to stop for now.


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