inconsolable
23.05.13 | 7:02 pm
it feels suffocating.
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i am stuck in a cycle of feeling really bad about myself.
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1. i've been alone for over two years.
2. that should not affect me as much as it does. but i interpret that as telling me that there is something wrong with me, not with everyone else.
3. as soon as i start to attempt to improve something about myself, it does not actually make me feel better. it reminds me that i'm not already good enough as is. it reminds me that i am not worth loving until i fix everything that is wrong with me.
4. that is really, really damaging to me.
5. which is kind of a conundrum, and also, admittedly, stupid.
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my dog is the cutest thing in the entire world and i love her more than anything. if we're in the living room and she's tired, she sits in the doorway and stares at me. when i get up or say something to her, she runs to my door and comes back. it is one of the most precious things i've ever seen.
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i can't go through my day without thinking, "if only i did x differently, if only i was different in x way, someone would love me again."
it makes me sound pathetic.
i have a really, really great life. and i totally recognize that. don't think that i see it in any other way.
but i am lonely, and i have been lonely for a long time. i get that i am only twenty-three, and i have all this time and all these options ahead of me, etc. however, when i'm surrounded by people getting engaged, married, simply getting into relationships, it is a glaring reminder that i am not even close to having any of those.
there are some people in life who always feel this way.
i am really worried that i am one of them.
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i know that, at some point, we are all responsible for our state of mind.
this past semester was really difficult for me, and from that, i started to think to myself in the way someone used to talk to me.
and i have moved on past that part of my life, and i'm fine regardless of what it did to me. i'm no wounded bird. i don't even feel good bringing it up. it sounds pathetic.
but it was a huge chunk of my life, and i was told constantly for three years how worthless i was so that he could keep me and i would think no one would ever love me besides him.
i know--i know that's not true. i get it.
but it's still in the back of my mind. it was his voice but it's slowly turned into my own.
i think the stress from this semester, from slowly loving someone who can't return that love in the way i want it, from my brother going into rehab, from not sleeping well and making myself sick, from feeling (for some reason) utterly alone--it all was dug back up. and i can't bury it again.
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this has gone on for too long (in more ways than one).
i just want to be good enough for once.