just feelings
14.11.16 | 6:23 pm
i feel like a child. like someone who complains and throws a fit (on the inside) and still doesn't get what they want. i feel like i'm always repeating myself.
matt was on vacation last week and he was high literally every single day for almost the entire day. and it made me furious. especially since we talk about this often - we have had so many discussions about how, if that were me with alcohol, i would have a serious problem. i am so tired of repeating myself.
being around him brings me down. i had been on a pretty good note of not drinking and actually exercising, but when he was actually home and high all the time, it made me want to drink or be inebriated in some way. that's just stupid on my part.
i am just so tired of complaining about the same things on repeat. if we were in kentucky, i would've ended this a long time ago, i fear. then again - he wouldn't have easy access to pot.
---
i learned how to play "hallelujah" on ukulele yesterday.
matt expressed concern by saying, "you're really low energy today. what's wrong? are you okay? talk to me."
he's sweet, and he was right. i was sad. but i always feel sad.
---
i know there are ways out of this but they all seem so untouchable right now.