never stood a chance
22.06.17 | 4:51 pm

we spent our first year living 1,100 miles away. that's how we got to know each other - over the phone, over facebook messenger, during the phone calls you'd always make as you drove home. we visited each other three times that year - spring break, summer, and vacation in october. and even then it was strained and difficult as we struggled to communicate effectively without body language or closeness.

and then i moved to colorado, and we immediately moved in together. i hadn't lived with someone since i had been with my terrible ex-boyfriend, and this was your longest relationship. and so we started the process of getting to know each other in a different way, and melding our idiosyncrasies together. i cried on the floor as i struggled to find a good job, as i commuted over 2 hours per day, as i was home alone until 11:00 when you'd get off work.

i had no one but you.

then i found my new job, the one i loved, the one i quit today, where they told me i had scored the highest of all the teachers on the student surveys, where they asked if there were anything they could do to get me to stay because it would be so difficult to replace not only my teaching, but also my presence.

and things were better. i had some friends (sort of). i had a purpose. you got a new job at the bank that you actually enjoyed. but again, our communication broke down. i felt like i was dying on the inside, but how could you know? i certainly didn't tell you. i let it come out late at night when i would sob for strange reasons, unable to convey what was wrong.

and you've been so supportive the entire time. it's strange knowing what it's like to have someone love you so much that they're willing to follow you, put their lives on hold, willing to do what it takes to keep you.

but we've both grown tired.

we never really stood a chance. this relationship has never been relieved of the massive pressures placed upon it.

you were the only thing i truly had for these three years in colorado. it was always you i told everything to, always you i yelled "fuck you ted allen" with, always you i ironically called babe (until it wasn't ironic anymore), always you i'd let cook and experiment in the kitchen, always you who would calm me down and listen and rub my back.

i am filled with a sadness and a pain i didn't think possibly. when i'm awake it seems barely possible to do anything other than cry.

i love you. i truly do. and i don't know what life will be like when i no longer wake up next to you, make you breakfast, kiss you. i just don't know.

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