that took a turn
27.12.20 | 9:03 am

my christmas was honestly lovely and not at all as stressful as it normally is. i got my new kindle, a surprise fitbit from my mom, and my niece and nephew "got me" a purple sweatshirt that says "auntie" on it (which is my favorite gift because i wasn't expecting it, and i'm wearing it right now, just as i have basically since i received it). everything was calm and nice. i've already finished one book on my kindle, meaning i've read 36 books this year (6 more than my goal).

this break has been really restful so far which is nice. most days i'm not feeling overly anxious.

we thought we saw a ufo last night (honestly it was probably just a satellite or a really weird star, but still) and i messaged all of this stuff to jake and he literally only responded, "aliens!". that was it. to my long message.

he doesn't engage with anything i say.

he responds, but he doesn't engage.

and chris messaged me that he was thinking of me yesterday, but he never told me if he found my favorite earring or not.

having more time to myself means more time is spent thinking about how everyone else seems to be moving forward while i am stuck in the same place. people get into relationships, engaged, married, have babies, and here i am, living in my parents basement, about to turn thirty-one years old.

i know i've been lucky with the experiences i've had, and i wouldn't trade them to be married with a baby right now.

but some days i guess it just hits you differently.

--

you told me merry christmas, and you didn't have to, and there's nothing special about that, either. but it felt, in a way, final to me (and i'm sure only to me). like some sort of recognition, but i can't describe what kind. almost like an apology.

"you're def a diane," you said, and it's true.

i just spent 15 minutes looking at your girlfriend's instagram and thinking, hey she kind of looks like me. but really she just has brown hair and glasses. that's it.

i don't want to have any more feelings about this. i want it to be completely done. completely gone. it is such a waste of time and feeling and thinking. and i know that and i've known that for a long time.

but it doesn't entirely go away just because i want it to.

i feel like i'm just not going to have any of it. where i am now? this is where i'll stay. no one will love me beyond all logic. no one wants to be with someone far away or who is difficult or who is too much. who needs you to respond to their stupid messages with more than just "aliens!".

i don't often feel like this but i suppose it's how i feel today.

i'm going to go distract myself.

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