overwhelmed
18.05.22 | 4:06 pm
everything with my brother seems to have gone back to normal. like we're all somehow imagining that it's fine that he was taking fentanyl for six months (that he admits to... who knows how long in actuality), that the financial infidelity he committed by essentially stealing at least $15,000 (that he admits to... certainly must be more than that) is fine, that the fact that he only came clean is because his wife is pregnant with their second child is fine ("i knew i had to get my shit together when she told me," he said, when in reality it was probably because he knew he'd get caught, and as though his current wife and daughter aren't enough of a reason to stop)...
i'm frustrated with it, but what else is there to do?
my other brother possibly got out of jail this week because, again, someone (his mom and stepdad) bailed him out. everyone constantly helps him no matter how many times he steals, fights, gets fucked up on drugs, insults, and apparently beats his girlfriend (which is what he got taken to jail for)... i mean, he will be back soon, once he is sentenced. i just feel so little toward him or about him anymore.
i feel overwhelmed. like there is so much to do, constantly, and that i have to plan things weeks or months ahead of time.
i wrote a long, long to-do list for once school is out. there is an overwhelming amount of things i need to do, and many of them are items which other people are relying on me for (like the eurotrip itinerary, the train tickets, getting money, etc. etc.).
and seth and i started thinking about what we want to do for fall break and i'm so tired.
i feel as though there are many things i care about that are not getting the attention i would like. my french has suffered, i haven't been reading as much... i have to remind myself that it's just not feasible to have 3 french lessons a week and to simultaneously read french literature like it was during the height of covid when i went nowhere and saw no one.
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today i am just tired and sad. i'm going to take a nap and then do my run and hopefully i'll feel better. everything feels like a lot right now, but it will improve.