this time no, this time no
2012-02-06 | 2:38 p.m.

let me preface this by saying right now i just want to lie in my bed and cry and not come out until tomorrow.

today i received my first rejection letter from a grad school. washington university in st. louis. yup.

now, don't sit there and think that i thought i was going to get in everywhere. i know that's not going to happen. in fact, i've been ridiculously pessimistic about grad school if you couldn't tell.

at the lunch table, erin and i were discussing where we will all be after graduation. more than likely, the lot of us will end up in louisville because, if i get into anywhere, it will probably be murray or louisville. and if i get into murray, i most likely will not want to continue to live in murray.

i don't know, i just thought i had til mid to late march before worrying myself about all of this again.

so, with this on my mind, matt and i go workout. one hour of racquetball. i played terribly. honestly. i did.

because of this, i decided i want to run home. if i suck at racquetball, i can at least run the one and a half miles home, right?

wrong. i had to stop after a mile. i was exhausted. when i started to pick up running again, at the crosswalk i saw a familiar car. this blue altima with a black hood because it hasn't had a paint job. guess whose car that is?


i don't think he saw me. but it freaked me out. it always does. and why do i keep seeing him this semester? please make it stop. i had a dream i met him in kroger and he acted like he didn't even know who i was.

matt wants to start working out tuesdays and thursdays also, with kayley, and doing strength training then. this is something i need to do. but that will put me at working out... almost every single day. this is scary to me for a few reasons i don't feel like fleshing out right now.

i just want to hide in my bed and not come out, okay? i want to pretend not getting into wustl is fine but it's not.

i just need to have a studio night with erin, get a bunch of homework/thesis/notations work done, get incredibly drunk in order to celebrate my birthday on saturday with my best friends, actually have a birthday on monday, and get through this semester alive. no more worrying about dating because that's stupid and i just need to focus on myself. no more worrying about things i've done wrong or screwed up. just moving forward.


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