told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company
2012-03-28 | 1:02 p.m.

sunday (april first) would be mine and eric's fifth year anniversary. it basically marks an entire year without him. an entire year (essentially, i mean honestly does two weeks count?) of being single, of figuring out more about myself, of trying to decide what direction i want my life to take.

it's been weighing heavy on my mind.

it was a strange ending, i think. no, it was. i was so cold and hard with him by the end of it, it should've been over at least a year before that.

i remember on our fourth year anniversary he made me cry. on my birthday and valentine's day the year before that, i was crying.

i was miserable. and it wasn't just at the end: i was miserable for the better half of three years. i allowed someone else to make themselves my priority (even before my own wellbeing). i put his happiness miles before my own. i think that's evident.

i'm so terrified that i will let this happen again. i think to myself sometimes, i don't know how to act in a completely functional relationship. i do know that i seem to thrive when i've got someone to take care of, though. (also terrifying.)

this is just a giant rambling. i don't know where i'm going with this.

i wonder what would have happened to me if i had broken up with you, way back in 2008, that fourth of july night? you remember, the one where you screamed at me in the car because i didn't ask you if you'd like dessert when i went to get some for myself? how you dropped me off at the fourth of july party with tears in my eyes and sped off leaving me without a ride home? how you constantly called me the entire time i was there, threatening to kill yourself if i didn't see you? how i cried in the bathroom on the phone and when i walked outside my friends just hugged me and didn't say anything? how you picked me up before the party was over and drove to the empty parking lot? when all i had to say was this is over, but instead i said, can we fix it? and we couldn't. but we tried.

i wonder if you remember the time i punched you square in your chest. i stood in front of the door because i didn't want you to leave in the middle of the argument (poor little baby eighteen year old self, how stupid you were) because if you drove angry, it was practically suicidal. your arms went for my shoulders and i thought you were going to throw me across the room, so i punched you. you held it over my head for years.

the reason i lost my virginity to you was because you said you'd break up with me if you didn't. and later, you couldn't even remember saying it.

remember back at the chase when i was trying to get into our room (you'd locked me out) and you opened the door, and somehow or another, i got pushed into the floor, and i screamed and crawled into the kitchen and cried and cried and cried?

or when we were fighting (or rather you were screaming at me), claiming i had cheated on you (when i hadn't), and you threw my plate of dinner at me? and how when i tried to vacuum it up, you repeatedly unplugged the vacuum until i broke down and cried?

i didn't feel like i could have friends because having fun without you was bad, though you never wanted to come along.

for an entire year, every argument we had was "my fault." it didn't matter what it was about, it got twisted into my problem.

you called me a bitch no matter how many times i tried to explain to you how horribly it made me feel. you told me my feelings didn't matter, that my crying was irrelevant because i cried about everything (when in reality, i only cried about you).

but you also told me you loved me.
and i loved you more than i can say.

you are not a bad person but my god you made so many bad choices.

it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with this. i think, finally, i think i can say that, in a way, maybe most of this was emotional abuse. some kind of abuse. it is hard for me to say that. but i think that it is true.

all i can hope for is that you learn and that the next girl you're with is smart enough to not deal with it.

now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over
but had me believing it was always something that i'd done
and i don't wanna live that way
reading into every word you say

i want to move on. it still hurts me. i want to look back on this relationship and be happy somehow, but it's impossible. i've tried. i don't know what else to do. but i'm ready to move past it. to let it go. i hope.

(sorry for how incredibly long this is, i just really needed it off my chest.)

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