all the roads that lead you there are winding
2012-04-23 | 6:50 p.m.

i just feel like i'm going crazy.

i'm on birth control and haven't had a period in three months, but unless i'm carrying baby jesus junior, i'm not pregnant. most likely seems it's stress. but three months? one may be acceptable but three?

i only feel like crying or sleeping. i can't concentrate. i don't think this is just listlessness or senioritis. could be wrong though.

something's gotta give.


everything's been hurting my feelings. cat snapped at me the other day and i just felt so bad. but if she thinks it's best to just detach herself from us now before we leave, i can drop her, too. it's bullshit.


how do people seem so happy on the outside but are actually so sad?

i've gotta be doing this to myself, haven't i? it's got to be something i'm doing myself.


yesterday i had a long conversation with matthew, erin, and some with kayley that was terribly upsetting. matthew said something (kind of accidentally) along the lines of, people our age are either already in relationships or there are good reasons they're not, which basically translated to me never finding anyone good ever. my supposed reason for not being in a relationship is that i stayed with eric for so long.

i know it's ridiculous to fret over things like this, i do, i swear it. but it doesn't stop it, you know? and it's whiny and pathetic but i just want someone to love me again.

last night i watched stand up comedy (this boy matt and erin work with, frank, was actually good--i didn't know he did stand up comedy, i was impressed). poor neal was there.

poor neal. i sent him a message apologizing for probably seeming like the creepiest person ever (thanks to the hilarity of my lovely roommates) and he'll probably never answer me. i feel bad, i think. i never wanted to go on a date with him. i mean, i thought he was cute.

wonderwall just came on pandora.

just fuck my life right now, i've got three weeks and i'm outta here, and i'm getting drunk every fucking weekend until then because i don't even care!

i am sick of everyone thinking that every time i talk to someone i am actually flirting with them, i don't understand that! i'm just nice! i just want to be polite! it doesn't mean i'm interested but that's how it seems to everyone! how do i stop this!

i felt bad for ryan because in his blackout drunkenness, he told me about this girl he was essentially dating who was engaged and led him on, and about how he's so sad and lonely and hates it. i felt bad. but i don't have to! but i feel like i do. but i don't! not everything is my problem. grow up. maybe. if you're trying to impress a girl or get her to actually like you because you think she's good enough to do that (which CLEARLY was not the case) you don't get that drunk and make an ass of yourself in her house around all of her friends!

am i always attracted to people who are either constantly dissatisfied or going absolutely nowhere with their lives?

seriously. when we get to louisville i am handing over my right to choose someone for myself. handing it right the fuck over because i can't do it, very clearly. my roommates tell me i never choose anyone who's good enough for me.

well it's because i don't have anyone good to choose from who'd be interested in me to begin with.

deal with that!

closing time. every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

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