optimism/lack thereof
02.05.12 | 6:56 pm

it feels as though everything i do is a cycle. i seem to be very repetitive lately.

recently, i finished voltaire's candide. (if you haven't read it, pick it up, it's worth your time.) because of it, i've been thinking a lot about optimism, and what my own "philosophy" on life is (and also how futile it is to even waste my time with it).

here is how i see things ("delusionally" as jordan grant would say): i believe in trying to be nice to everyone, and that by doing so, i am doing something good for the world, and that there must be other people like me out there thinking the same thing, and therefore it is not necessarily entirely futile. (of course, it probably is, because most people do things only if there is a benefit for themselves [and that makes perfect sense]). i also believe (though you may not always believe it based on what you read here) that things are, essentially, okay, and that people, essentially, are good. i don't mean that "if it's not the end, it's not okay" kind of thing. i just mean that... well, things are never as bad as they appear. and it could always be worse, so try to be happy about what you've got and where you are. i dislike negative thinking people, they literally suck the life out of me.

i hope this is making sense.

anyhow, point being, what is the point in thinking this way? does it do me any good, at all? in truth, because i choose to be optimistic, i am often wildly let down (and i am recognizing that i am a very emotional person, and my highs are very high and my lows are terribly low). would i be better off never expecting anything good to come? or is it better that i do not always completely put myself down and believe that i will be in this horrible state forever?

and a lot of these kinds of thoughts center around other people and my perpetual whine of, "why can't people just be nice?" it is a very personal thing that i choose to try to be nice to everyone. yes, everyone (and yes, i really do try). most people think this is a good thing, in general, but it also means that i am very often taken advantage of...

at what point does believing the best of people become not just sweet but stupid?

that, i suppose is what i'm struggling with lately. i'm not sure whether or not i should give up on this "philosophy" of life and just jump in with the crowd and do what's best for me, as opposed to anyone else, and really only worry about myself at all.

to be fair, i don't think i can do that...

i just find it terribly depressing that other people do not seem to have this ideal of be nice to others, and they'll be nice to me. or, as i was discussing with a friend the other day, i feel as though (generally in dating, but also in other facets of life) i try to give everyone a chance, because if i don't, then no one will be willing to give me a chance. (this kind of relates to karma, something i like the idea of.)

i don't believe that really makes sense in the real world, but i so badly want it to.

i'm sure this is a jumbled mess, but it's all jumbled up in my head, too.

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