"mutual generosity" comes to mind and makes me think of another rant i will spare you from
01.06.12 | 7:52 pm
i don't know.
i get like this every so often, and as is obvious, i typically just made another diary and abandoned the old one. i can't do that (on this site) anymore.
part of it is the fact that dl feels tarnished to me thanks to eric, who has infiltrated this website (yes it feels like that to me) and even if he's not reading this diary (like he did for so long, lying to me about doing it even) he's writing in his own, and quite frankly it pisses me off (regardless of whether or not that's petty, i really don't care right now).
i feel as though i never think about what i put here, and i like it like that to an extent--but i've found myself wanting to expound on several ideas that are actually troubling to me, and that may actually produce feedback, and that 1. freaks me out because if there's something i can't do it is arguing (even in the calmest sense of the word, i assure you) and 2. makes me want to do that even more.
but i feel like i can't just up and quit what i've been doing here for two years and change things up.
also i am notoriously good at starting things and not finishing them. and as i said before, i'm terrible at arguing, even if that means simply presenting my opinion. i am so non confrontational it's ridiculous.
so the whole point of this is, i guess, to say i've been considering moving to another site (not completely, actually, maybe that's the wrong way to put it). i already have another diary on here that a lot of people know about, actually, with the only real difference being that i say, "wow it'd be nice to get laid" sometimes on my other diary.
i might go write somewhere else but it's not like some big i'm-gonna-quit-writing-here-to-do-it kind of thing.
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fuck i need to get out of kentucky for a while. that's what this is, i feel stifled. i feel like i'm not allowed to believe what i believe or feel what i feel because there's someone around the corner to tell me i'm wrong (that's life, tia).
i had a grand argument with my family today, that's what really happened here, and basically it boiled down to the fact that they're calling me stupid and naive for believing there is good in the world, and they basically think i'm going to go be stupid and naive in louisville and get myself shot.
but the thing is that it's not like i see a dark alley and think, oh sunshine and rainbows i'm gonna walk down there because nothing bad will happen to me--i'm not stupid, christ. but if someone is standing around that dark alley, i don't immediately think, that person is going to kill me.
this could be bad, and i get that, but that's the way i live my life. i want people to give me the benefit of the doubt, and to give me a chance, because i do the same for them.
granted, life isn't fair. i know that. blah blah.
but does that mean that i should be cynical and defensive and stop myself from trying to make the world a better place, if only through my mind and thought process?
i wanted to explain all of this in a better fashion but it doesn't fit here, that's all.
i am naive. everyone knows that. i am too nice to people and i'm aware that that is the reason i get walked all over and that is (to an extent) the reason my past relationships have failed.
i can recognize these things but it doesn't mean i want to change them, because i believe that i'm helping the world in some small, insignificant way by being the person i would like other people to be.
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...............
yeah.
my head hurts.
i was going to go on a rant about how i feel alone and then i thought: that's totally not true. i do that sometimes.
i'm lucky enough to have a family who loves me and accepts me (mostly) and who encourages me to do great things and who genuinely believe in me. i'm lucky enough to have an amazing circle of friends who would (most likely) drop anything and help me if it was necessary.
i'm driving three hours to illinois to see kayley tomorrow by myself on roads i don't know and my dad thinks it's ludicrous, but i thought, she would obviously do the same thing for me so what's the problem there?
this is one huge unorganized rant.
that's another thing--if i wrote somewhere else i think i'd take the time to edit myself.
and that's good, right?
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i swear to god the only thing i'm hearing lately is, "you need a boyfriend." well fuck you, find one who doesn't suck and is nice to me and i'm sure i'd jump at the chance but i don't see any around DO YOU?
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i think it's odd that sam trask (someone i knew in high school but didn't necessarily even converse with) has added me on facebook and comments on my statuses and stuff. i don't get that, we weren't friends, why do you wanna be my friend now? or is it some mass i-wanna-friend-everyone-from-high-school thing?
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i'm done. i need to be done now. if read any of this entry it should be this part:
be nice to people. sometimes i think that's all that matters.