could the mountain goats be any more amazing?
05.06.12 | 9:42 pm

when i was about fourteen or fifteen, i had this friendship (if you can call it that) with this boy named blake, my brother's best friend's older brother. this was what our conversations consisted of:

"how are you?"
"well, you?"
"fine. got anything new for me to listen to?"

after which we would discuss what new music we were into and we would promptly burn each other cds.

it was odd, that that's all our friendship was based on. it's odd to me still. but it felt good to have someone rely on you for that kind of thing, to actually respect your taste.

no one makes cds anymore. sometimes that makes me sad. that's all i've got--no mp3 players over here (unfortunately/fortunately).

i don't even download music anymore. i don't really know how. so i depend on the internet for my music more than anything.


i'm at such an odd crossroads of my life right now. it's nothing new... i guess everyone graduating college is, really. but i feel like i didn't take enough opportunities.

i didn't. i mean, there's no skimming over that. i didn't and i know why and that's that. it's my own damn fault.

today i was cleaning the bathrooms at work and in walked eric's sister and eric's niece and it is always the goddamn most awkward moment of my life. i think they hate me. i really do.

should they?

...that's the question.

why do these things still bother me? that's the better question.


i have been thinking a lot about marriage and kids lately. i had moved away from that (understandably, i think) after breaking up with eric, and was actually very against the idea of marriage for myself for a time.

but come on, it's me. and deep down i'm a goddamn romantic, it's pathetic.

i want that, something terrible. and i started thinking, if/when i ever get another boyfriend, i'm going to have to explain that i used to be engaged, and that's gonna be fucking awkward. just like everything else. because that is not a normal thing, i suppose. people don't just get engaged at eighteen because they are such people pleasers even though literally the first thing they think after saying yes is maybe things will get better now.



i just want someone to touch my shoulders and sleep next to me.

i don't know where my life is going and that scares the hell out of me but i guess everyone else is in the same boat, really.

i still want to go.

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