i'm going crazy as per usual whatever
06.07.12 | 11:22 pm

it's just that

i'm basically attempting to lead two different lives here and it's tiring

i've got one direction which was the original plan: grad school, louisville, living with friends

and then i've got this other

and it came up out of the blue, unexpected: full time job, no debt, living at home for a year

a job i'm not qualified to work

but something i'd be good at, i think

and i'm balancing on this thin line between the two, application for full time jobs, loans and interviews for part time jobs on the other

not telling my roommates about the possibility of me not moving up there at all

me thinking that if i stay here, yes, i'll have $32,000 a year and no debt and yes that's perfect

and yes i'll be able to save up and yes i'll be able to be with my family constantly

but i'll be with my family constantly

and no one else is here

no friends

no dating prospects

and it's the same place i've always been


full time job at home = failure?

one would hardly think so

but wouldn't you know i could spin it that way

and why am i so worried about failing anyhow? nothing i do is failing in other people's eyes but in mine that is all i see

i'm just so tired

honestly i'm exhausted

and my feet hurt

and it's too hot, it's in the 100s, and i hate it, and i want to stay inside until the temperature is a level 70 degrees

and i miss london and cambridge and the beautiful weather and how i honest to god want to move there and live there for a couple of years

honest to god i do i swear it on my life

and i'd do it in a heartbeat if i could

if i take this job, well if it is offered to me i will take it but if that happens, will i ever get the chance to do that?


i'm reduced nearly to tears daily because it is a lot of stress

i put too much stress on myself actually it is mostly my own fault

my dad yelled at me at work today and this random inner monologue thing came up in my head that i wanted to say to him but didn't

don't you dare yell at me like that, no one is ever going to yell at me or speak to me like that ever again if i'm going to help it, i dealt with that on the daily for three years and i thought it was okay because that's what you and mom do, do you understand that? that is one of the reasons i thought it was okay. i'm sorry but it is

but you know, they're actually a million times happier right now

my mom's lost 36 lbs. and she's happy about it

they seem a lot more at ease so maybe they won't get divorced when bret graduates

(they "joke" about that a lot or used to)

i really just want a foot massage and if i could ask for anything and get it right now i'd ask for a foot massage because i would go





1. i love this movie more than words

2. fun fact this was supposedly written about brian epstein since he was gay

3. seriously i love the beatles and when life is stressful i just want to listen to them over and over and it helps more than i can explain

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