i'm going crazy as per usual whatever
06.07.12 | 11:22 pm
i'm basically attempting to lead two different lives here and it's tiring
i've got one direction which was the original plan: grad school, louisville, living with friends
and then i've got this other
and it came up out of the blue, unexpected: full time job, no debt, living at home for a year
a job i'm not qualified to work
but something i'd be good at, i think
and i'm balancing on this thin line between the two, application for full time jobs, loans and interviews for part time jobs on the other
not telling my roommates about the possibility of me not moving up there at all
me thinking that if i stay here, yes, i'll have $32,000 a year and no debt and yes that's perfect
and yes i'll be able to save up and yes i'll be able to be with my family constantly
but i'll be with my family constantly
and no one else is here
no friends
no dating prospects
and it's the same place i've always been
so
full time job at home = failure?
one would hardly think so
but wouldn't you know i could spin it that way
and why am i so worried about failing anyhow? nothing i do is failing in other people's eyes but in mine that is all i see
i'm just so tired
honestly i'm exhausted
and my feet hurt
and it's too hot, it's in the 100s, and i hate it, and i want to stay inside until the temperature is a level 70 degrees
and i miss london and cambridge and the beautiful weather and how i honest to god want to move there and live there for a couple of years
honest to god i do i swear it on my life
and i'd do it in a heartbeat if i could
if i take this job, well if it is offered to me i will take it but if that happens, will i ever get the chance to do that?
...
i'm reduced nearly to tears daily because it is a lot of stress
i put too much stress on myself actually it is mostly my own fault
my dad yelled at me at work today and this random inner monologue thing came up in my head that i wanted to say to him but didn't
don't you dare yell at me like that, no one is ever going to yell at me or speak to me like that ever again if i'm going to help it, i dealt with that on the daily for three years and i thought it was okay because that's what you and mom do, do you understand that? that is one of the reasons i thought it was okay. i'm sorry but it is
but you know, they're actually a million times happier right now
my mom's lost 36 lbs. and she's happy about it
they seem a lot more at ease so maybe they won't get divorced when bret graduates
(they "joke" about that a lot or used to)
i really just want a foot massage and if i could ask for anything and get it right now i'd ask for a foot massage because i would go
right
to
sleep
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1. i love this movie more than words
2. fun fact this was supposedly written about brian epstein since he was gay
3. seriously i love the beatles and when life is stressful i just want to listen to them over and over and it helps more than i can explain