thank you maria elena
22.07.12 | 1:34 am
what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing
i am going to end up working 2 part time jobs this entire semester i am such a goddamn failure i don't think anyone understands how important this is
i really don't
and i want someone to actually love me again and i want to love someone
and i am such a big baby why am i crying about all of this
i'm already halfway through season 3 of community it's been less than a week since i started watching them
and i get so caught up in the lives of fictional characters, so completely utterly obsessed, because i want that kind of life
and i am never gonna have it
because it's not real
and i just don't wanna be alone right now but i can never go to people i cannot be honest and say
i actually thought i was getting that job
my entire family thought it even though they tried to tone me down
and i would've had security
i would've been teaching class
that's what i wanted to do for so long
why did i change my major
why did i waste so much time on someone who treated me so horribly
who was right when he told me i'm never satisfied
because even if i'd gotten the job the tables would be turned
i'd be awake lying in my bed alone
crying about how i'm not living with my friends i'm not pursuing grad school my actual dreams
what am i doing
what am i doing
am i ever going to go back to europe
is trying to get into this MAT program a good idea am i going to hate my life because there is always something to hate
when did i become so negative
can someone people point that out to me because i dont remember
hi my name is annie edison aka i'm a control freak
and i can't handle not knowing whats coming next
i've never been able to i really havent
i remember senior year i was driving home from sue ellen's house
and literally forgot where i was
i'd been on the same road the whole time
and i didn't know it
because i was so stressed out
these moments are fleeting but they worry me all the same
i just wish someone were here to sit down with me and talk to me and
do you know i havent cried in front of any of my friends in so long
hihg school, on accident, when eric was being mean to me, through text message, i just started bawling
i wanted to die
we accept the love we think we deserve
and i never felt like i was worthy of anything
i still dont
i'm a failure
i'm never going to have what i want in life becuase i don't deserve it
i stopped crying
why am i not asleep
"chronic dissatisfaction: that is what you have!"