thank you maria elena
22.07.12 | 1:34 am

it's 2:30am and i am all alone in the new house and i can't sleep i'm not even tired and i just keep crying

what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing

i am going to end up working 2 part time jobs this entire semester i am such a goddamn failure i don't think anyone understands how important this is

i really don't

and i want someone to actually love me again and i want to love someone

and i am such a big baby why am i crying about all of this

i'm already halfway through season 3 of community it's been less than a week since i started watching them

and i get so caught up in the lives of fictional characters, so completely utterly obsessed, because i want that kind of life

and i am never gonna have it

because it's not real

and i just don't wanna be alone right now but i can never go to people i cannot be honest and say

i actually thought i was getting that job

my entire family thought it even though they tried to tone me down

and i would've had security

i would've been teaching class

that's what i wanted to do for so long

why did i change my major

why did i waste so much time on someone who treated me so horribly

who was right when he told me i'm never satisfied

because even if i'd gotten the job the tables would be turned

i'd be awake lying in my bed alone

crying about how i'm not living with my friends i'm not pursuing grad school my actual dreams

what am i doing

what am i doing

am i ever going to go back to europe

is trying to get into this MAT program a good idea am i going to hate my life because there is always something to hate

when did i become so negative

can someone people point that out to me because i dont remember

hi my name is annie edison aka i'm a control freak

and i can't handle not knowing whats coming next

i've never been able to i really havent

i remember senior year i was driving home from sue ellen's house

and literally forgot where i was

i'd been on the same road the whole time

and i didn't know it

because i was so stressed out

these moments are fleeting but they worry me all the same

i just wish someone were here to sit down with me and talk to me and

do you know i havent cried in front of any of my friends in so long

hihg school, on accident, when eric was being mean to me, through text message, i just started bawling

i wanted to die

we accept the love we think we deserve

and i never felt like i was worthy of anything

i still dont

i'm a failure

i'm never going to have what i want in life becuase i don't deserve it

i stopped crying

why am i not asleep

"chronic dissatisfaction: that is what you have!"

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