i am the queen of greener grasses.
08.09.12 | 12:03 am

my heart still hurts.

i cried in the theater watching celeste and jesse forever (highly recommended), but quietly as matt and erin were right next to me.

before we went in, we discussed the fact that i like sad movies, songs, books, things that make me feel and cry, things about relationships ending. and matt said, "it's only because you're single."

i'd never thought about that before. and i said, "but i loved them even when i was with eric," but stopped short because, even then, i wasn't happy.

i've never had a good/functional relationship in my life.

the rain is loud.

it's still painful to think about. to think about how i tried so hard... i wasn't perfect. i held grudges, resentment (for good reason?). but more than anything, i did try to make him happy. i did. it just never worked.

to be fair, the quote "chronic dissatisfaction, that is what you have!" kind of hits the nail on the head for me.

i am the queen of greener grasses.


i told my real boss today that my last day was tomorrow. it's funny, i gave them literally two days' notice, but she looked at me and said, "well, i'm sorry it didn't work out. if you're ever back up here, we'd love to have you again." i worked here for a month and a half, quit with two days' notice, and still have that said to me. strange.

my coworkers were sad, saying things like, "but you're the best new person we have!" and "all the ones i like leave."

i lament my nonexistent but somewhat possible (read: not at all) relationship with ben and his beauty and humor and love of all things i love.


i'm so damn tired of being alone. i just want someone again. i can say it over and over: it doesn't feel fair. and you can say right back at me: life's not fair. but it doesn't matter.

i tried so hard.

no one's ever tried for me.

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