commence freaking out.
15.11.12 | 5:28 pm

since i graduated, i feel like i've lost some sense of myself. that piece of me that understood what i wanted in life, that knew what i had to do and who i needed to be in order to achieve it... it's irrelevant now. if it's not gone, it's irrelevant, because everything has changed. my plans have changed numerous times. i've become lost, and it seemed very suddenly to happen in june. and since june i've been walking around in the dark trying to figure out what i'm doing, and it's miserable.

i may be okay in person, but i'm absolutely miserable, more so than i've ever been (that i can remember).

i've been trying to think about how to get out of this funk. i mean, i've been trying since june. i'm getting a new job, i start school again in january... but none of it feels right. i'm not sure what i'm doing.

and i know that seems silly. who ever really knows what they're doing anyhow?

but for my entire life, i've known. i've understood who i am and why. now i'm not so sure. i'm this shell of a person who has buried herself away and instead of focusing on my own life, i allow myself to become immersed in fictional ones. i push all of my emotion into these shows and books and don't stop and figure out how to put that emotion back into me.

does this even make sense?

i'm afraid it doesn't.

i just don't know what to do anymore. and i understand that it's best to just choose something and do it--to be honest that's what i've done, i'm going to be in grad school and i've gotten myself a new job and all that--but nothing feels right.

i feel just as lost as ever.

it's terrifying.

i don't know how to get myself back.

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