14.01.13 | 12:14 am

i met them at different times.

one at a wedding (for the second time, actually) in september, set up by two mutual friends. he said, "let's go" with this hint of a question and when our hands were in place, he looked down at the floor, his eyes slightly closed, and said, "there, that's not so bad, is it?"

now he talks to me most every night (we've done this for three months), he watches shows because i recommend them, he received the book i recommended to him for christmas, he tells me to drive down there and party with him.

and i want to because he thinks i'm funny, because he likes that i love puns, because i could just talk to him forever. the random times he texts me make my heart skip a beat.

but anything we could possibly have is not something i would normally want. it's not even really possible at all.

the other i met on new year's eve, set up by a mutual friend, and my nerves were bad and i was halfway drunk and we danced together for most of the night.

he's so nice and that's all i've ever said i've wanted. he reads and watches the movies i like and is so very well thought out. he opened the door for me.

but very suddenly i am unsure. i am thrown into this vortex of insecurity and reminding myself why i'm not worth any of the things i have. how i'm so incredibly lucky because i don't deserve any of it at all.

and i don't want to take care of him.

it is times like this when i think to myself, god damn it, eric was right. i am never, ever satisfied.

maybe i never will be.

i am terrified.

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