i hate myself.
10.03.13 | 9:34 pm
i feel like most of the time i can't say anything to anyone without feeling like a goddamned idiot anymore.
my heart just hurts and i feel so stupid and so alone and so embarrassed and i know that this is all my fault, that this is always my own doing, but i keep doing it over and over and over. why?
i don't know what's wrong with me.
i just started crying again and poor little emma just whined and jumped straight into my lap and let me hug her and cry and cry and cry and then she stepped back and licked my face and looked so, so sad. i am lucky, i am so fucking lucky to have one constant thing in my life. i don't know that i've ever made a better choice than getting her.
i thought about eric for much of the drive home. i don't know why. going through past failures.
the most common things i say anymore are "i'm going to jump off a goddamn bridge" and "i'm failing at life." that's what it feels like.
i'm twenty-three, shouldn't i have some semblance of my shit together?
i feel entirely like a fuck-up. like someone incapable of being loved. that because of that, no one will love me. and a small part of me recognizes that that's eric's voice in the back of my head, but more and more lately it's turning into my own.
it seems to me that i expect too much out of people. i put forth the effort to visit, to stay in touch, but when do people really visit me? or is that in my head? is it as uneven as it feels?
do i love people more than they love me?
i'm starting to think so.
i loved eric enough to stay with him for three years of being told i'm a stupid bitch, of being told my feelings don't matter, of being yelled at and cussed out and having food thrown at me. i loved him enough to do that.
or was stupid enough to.
you can't have been seriously considering staying the weekend with me and not like me at least a little bit, god damn it.
i'm so complicated. i'm so stupid. and every time i say a word about any of it i feel so much stupider.
it's like there's this heavy, heavy thing sitting on my chest and it never ever goes away.
i try so hard to be good to people. i don't know anything i work harder at. honest to god. i just don't think anyone is ever going to put forth that effort for me.
i don't think they will.
someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. please. please, please, please explain it to me.
i am never good enough for anyone to want me. and i know i am not the greatest, god i already know that, i know that i am a terrible person even if i try, that i have crazy highs and crazy lows, that i talk too much, that i want people to know everything about me and vice versa, that i'm terrified of having to have sex with another person because of how much pressure was put on me with eric, that the mere thought of it makes my heart race and makes me wonder how fucked up i actually am now because of him.
or because of me.
if i think hard enough i can prove that it was my fault to begin with.
i feel so fucking crazy lately. something is not right. something cannot be right. i am so fucking sad all of the time and nothing fixes it.
my expectations are the death of me.
i could ask, what am i doing wrong? but the answer is everything.