dont bother
24.03.13 | 2:20 pm
i get bogged down in thinking: you are not good enough (for anything, really, it does not matter what it is, from making new friends to getting a new job).
one of my friends from study abroad got married this weekend to a german boy, and sometimes i just think, oh if i had someone, someone i knew who would be with me while i am sitting here going crazy in my mind, maybe it would be easier. maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
that's probably not true.
this past week has been a strange spiral for me. i don't understand why none of my friends have bothered to ask about my brother or how i am dealing with it. did i do something wrong? i probably did something wrong.
i want to feel like someone gives a fuck. i think i have too-high expectations.
sometimes my family looks at me and says, "why don't you just move to england?" and it hurts because i want to but i so badly don't want to leave anyone behind.
it's rainy today and it's gotten into my state of mind i think.
i've been considering changing my concentration from tesl to rhet comp to lit to creative writing again. i never know what to choose. this is a big problem in my life.
i don't know how to meet people or become better friends with people because i don't think i'm good enough for someone to want to be my friend anymore.
sometimes i get on streaks when i think: i am a really good goddamn person and i try so hard to be there for people and to care, but maybe that's just all in my head.
it's likely.
what am i even talking about anymore?
i told you: "if i don't talk about this i will explode and die."
that's how it feels.
but eventually people get tired of hearing you talk, of saying the same things over and over again.
of saying: my brother has a drug problem.
of saying: he needs help.
of saying: he's an idiot.
of saying: he used to be my favorite person in the whole world.
of saying: he stole my debit card.
of saying: he broke my trust worse than anyone else ever has.
of saying: i don't want him to die.
when i'm alone in the car and singing to my music, i always imagine someone i want to get to know better sitting in the passenger seat. i imagine they are learning something about me from the lyrics of what's coming out of the stereo. i don't know why.
what did i do that you can't seem to want me? ...what makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
i apologize often about being repetitive and too talkative. i want you to be here and sit with me and
like, christ, why is it i can't even get someone to watch a movie with me anymore?
i feel like i haven't had someone legitimately sit and watch a movie with me since eric. honestly. and he would never pay attention and it would hurt my heart so, so much because i'm so, so sensitive sometimes.
it's been a bad day and all i wanna do is look at you and know i'm okay.
remember when i saw jack's mannequin and my little 14 year old heart fluttered right out of my chest when andrew mcmahon played that piano?
i don't ever do anything, do i? i have so many concerts coming up that i want to go to, but i can't go alone. i can't just go alone.
it all comes back to feeling alone.
sometimes i just hurt and i feel like no one knows it or if they do they just don't pay attention to it anymore.
my dad told me the other night: you are a good daughter. thank you for being a good daughter.
but i don't feel like i am.
my (catholic) brothers "joke" about how i am going to hell because i don't believe in god and after a point it just hurts, it just hurts that they take everything i believe in (or in this case don't) and they try to use it against me and after a point i have to say, "okay, i know you disagree, but i don't constantly tell you you are wrong just because i don't believe what you believe."
i bought my brother a birthday card. on the inside it said "wishing you a healthy and happy year." i thought it was fitting. mom is going to take it to the rehab center tomorrow. he will be 27. on the inside i only put "love you. tia." i didn't know what else to say. i didn't think it would matter to him.
it used to matter to him, what i had to say.
we still don't even know if he got out of the rehab center or not.
all this diary ever is anymore is: here, look at how fucking crazy i feel today.
how depressing.
i have a ten page paper due tuesday that i havent started on yet. i want to email my teacher and say: "this past week has been really hard and my brother went to rehab (i think) and it's been really tumultuous for me and i know that i don't really deserve and extension but if you could give me one i would be the most grateful person in the world."
i am just so worried about him.
not even kayley has said another word about it to me. i don't know why that hurts me so bad.
i don't ever know what i am doing. i really don't.
i wish i could be one of those people who can take things day by day.
i just want something to hold on to.