smoked the whole time
05.05.13 | 9:29 am

i always preface statements about how i feel with, "i know it is stupid, but..."

when did i get into that habit? and why is it so entrenched in me that other people will think my feelings are stupid or unworthy?

last night i dreamt that we were getting married. i can't control that, so i won't say it's stupid.

i woke up yesterday happier than i had been all semester. i felt refreshed, like suddenly all strings had been cut, and i felt free.

that, of course, slowly simmered down.

i didn't talk to you yesterday because i'm trying to wean myself off of you. but it's such an ingrained part of my day that it's hard. there is always that lacking feeling hanging around when i don't.

i understand that it will get easier.

you don't have to tell me.

every time i dream of you, i also dream of cigarettes. i've never seen you smoke before, but i know you do, and i associate that with you. i love the smell of lingering smoke. maybe that's why.

but this time there was also a lake, an empty lake full of tiny pebbles.

i want to go to sleep without thinking of you because i'm sure you go to sleep without thinking of me.

these things... i know that they are my fault. that i allowed myself to feel this way, knowing you lived two and a half hours away, and when it became evident you were moving sixteen hours away, it only intensified.

i want you to miss me.


To dream of a marriage signifies commitment, harmony or transitions. You are undergoing an important developmental phase in your life. The dream may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it is the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. Consider the qualities and characteristics of the person that you are marrying. These are the qualities that you need to look at incorporating within yourself.

To dream that you are smoking or offering a cigarette signifies your need for a break. It may also points to issues of dependency . However if you are against smoking and have this dream, you need to analyze aspects of your waking life and what you are doing that may adversely affect your health.

If you do not smoke in waking life and dream that you are smoking, then it indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in. The dream may also be a metaphor for an addictive relationship or habit in your waking life.

To see a pebble in your dream represents minor difficulties and annoyances in your life.

<< | >>