in which tia sounds like a crazy person again, yay. how fun.
15.05.13 | 10:13 pm
i have to stop.
everything i am doing is helping him set roots in colorado. my mail helps him get a colorado license. i reviewed his cover letter for this job that wants him for a long time, that wants him to finish his degree while working there.
these are all good things, of course.
but they aren't good for me.
i am making a conscious decision.
i have to stop.
one day, eventually, i will wake up and to you, i will just be this crazy girl you became friends with at a wedding and who was there for you and vice versa and who tried so hard
i am never good enough.
no matter how hard i try.
that is all it ever boils down to.
there will not ever be some hard to believe but true love story here. there never was. it has, the entire time, been in my head.
there is nothing to see here besides the fact that you are my best friend and i can only assume that based on things you've divulged to me, i may be relatively high on your list, too.
but you're forgetting that it doesn't matter.
there are so many things i want to tell you. there are so many pieces of me i want you to know. but that will never happen. and it shouldn't.
this is beyond the point of pathetic.
the only reason you talk to me is because you're hanging on to what you've got.
beat that into your head, tia.
resist every urge to tell him that you drank a whole bottle of wine by yourself last night and the reason you looked tired was because you cried by yourself for two hours.
i have these really unsettling points of clarity sometimes.
i need some restful sleep.