thoughts from my bed.
29.06.13 | 9:21 am

there comes a point when no one wants to hear about it anymore.

it took me almost a year to tell anyone about how eric treated me, but then it took me so long to break up with him that people started to not necessarily want to hear it from me anymore. after all, i was in charge of my own demise.

at this point, i don't really tell anyone (besides this diary) about conversations we have, things you say, how i feel about them, because i am aware that no one wants to listen to a hopeless cause. and especially not one that i could stop if i wanted to.

this kind of recognition is typically harmful for me because it means that i've retreated and withdrawn myself around something that's important to me.

but what else am i supposed to do?

i'm not stupid. i have been a very stupid girl before, and that's not what this is.

i think it's just the result of being lonely for an extended period of time.

i have a wonderful family and friends who love me but at a point, that doesn't feel like enough, does it? i wonder if that's how i really feel or what's been beaten into my brain.

i don't like feeling as though i've been written off for one reason (maybe i am a little drunk [not literally right now]) or another (maybe i am repetitive). my feelings are valid and they aren't pathetic--and that is something that has taken me years to remember after years of being told the opposite.

a lot of things i had buried have resurfaced recently due to eric reaching out to me and also seeing his sister while at work. i have been trying to keep them down because it's so long gone and it's entirely past the appropriate time for them to affect me anymore.

i can tell myself over and over how awful the relationship was, but it doesn't mean that i didn't love him fully or that the things i experienced are null and void since it has ended. after all, he is the only person who has ever actually loved me too.

i am always a broken record and after a while people throw those out.

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