"I need to learn what it's like to be treated well before it's too late for me."
30.06.13 | 11:20 pm

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i learned today that a few boys who live down my parents' road had an accident. they flipped their kubota over.

one of the nichols boys came running from it toward my father and two brothers while they were driving home from work. they got back in the truck and toward the end of the road where the others were.

two of the boys had gone straight through the windshield but were mostly okay. the kubota had flipped over and was lying on chance's leg.

my brothers and father pushed it off of him. his bone was poking through his skin, and on the back part of his leg (from the kubota skidding on top of it for 35 feet) the skin was detached and the entire bone could be seen.

casey, my most infuriating, uncalm, uncompassionate brother, was the one who sat down with chance and kept him calm. he talked to him and made him stay awake and made him feel better until the ambulance reached them.

my point is that sometimes i forget that people have that capacity--the capacity to surprise you and be, in some way, someone they're not. it's important to remember.

(in case you're wondering, chance's injuries are not life threatening but there is a possibility at this point that he may lose his leg.)


"sometimes being inside my own head is so exhausting that it makes me want to cry."


i want to feel connected to someone. connected in a real, possible way. it is something i have been missing.

you are finally watching one of the shows i have recommended you for so long, and i keep torturing you about how much better it gets as the season goes on.

i often feel as though i am the one who is trying for other people. it is nice when there are those moments that it is clear someone else is trying for me.


watching girls reminds me how much i wish i still wrote.

i haven't actually written anything in years.

i miss having a source of encouragement.

(i know saying things like this is trivial. if you like something, do it. if you love it, do it. you don't need anyone to tell you to do it or to tell you to keep going. that's silly. but i suppose that means my personality is just silly.)


i hate feeling like i can't talk to people. like i said. i miss that connection. i miss feeling like there was someone who wanted to sit and hear all of these stupid insecure things that run through my head.


maybe i am crazy and all of my thinking that i am a sort of good person is actually false and i am not self aware at all.

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