i don't want to go to work.
06.07.13 | 8:01 am
...
yesterday i got in trouble at work, but i must have looked pretty terrible because after i was talked to, everyone kept telling me over and over and over that i'm not in trouble and not to worry about it etc etc etc and then pilar told me it looked like i was having a bad day.
i cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes.
i am the most sensitive person in the world.
it is interesting to know that you have felt pretty awful about yourself for a while but now you feel less than worthless.
it is nice, though, to know that there are some people who will always check up on you. just the thought is a relief.
you told me, "i told you yesterday it wasn't going to be a good day." i don't remember that at all. i've been racking my brain and i don't remember it, so it must've happened while i was sitting in my car.
i knew what i was doing while i was doing it. i had those thoughts going on, much more sober than i should have been. thinking, i feel hollow. i thought it would help.
it did the opposite.
and all you are worried about is whether or not i think you are a bad guy?
here is something i knew but had to learn for sure, evidently: i should not sleep with someone who i do not care about because 1. it will not be good and 2. i will feel terrible about myself knowing that it meant nothing. then i will turn it into me being nothing.
alas.
last night i came home and collapsed on my bed and wanted to fall right to sleep--after all, i only had two hours of rest (who says rest? you do) the night before.
i want it to be 5:30. i want to go home. i want to be with my family watching fireworks.
i don't want to be here anymore.
do you understand?
it is weird to feel as though you have nowhere to go.