what am i saying
12.07.13 | 9:53 pm
what is my life?
seeking validation from people i shouldn't.
halfway drunk after finishing a bottle of wine.
this house so hot i don't want to wear any clothes. knowing i have to be at work at 8:30a.
been reading old diaries tonight. thinking about how stupid i used to be and how i should be over that.
"tell me something good about yourself," you said, and then, "more. more."
it is so hot here but all i want is someone to lie beside.
there are some people in this world who i want to know everything about me.
i keep reading my old diary tonight (cest-la-vie-, rara/riot) and it just makes me sad sometimes.
my hair is getting longer. i told matt that after the massage my shoulders and neck no longer hurt when i touch them. "GOOBER" he said, "did they always hurt?" yes. "pain is bad. pain means FIX ME. not ignore!"
do i ever make sense anymore? it's hot.
i want for people to understand me.
you said i was talking shortly.
quickly.
shortly.
i would like to drink with you once like i did. again.
it's only eleven.
for two days it felt monumental. like i had been changed. i felt as though i were nothing because i was nothing to you.
that's not the case.
goddamnit i should've bought a fan today. i thought about it.
you know me better than most people but it's not this terrible desperate love on this side of the tracks anymore.
i do wonder why we need each other so badly.
why do you tell me you've called into work? wake me up from bad dreams?
why do i talk to you multiple times a day?
who will ever know. surely not me. you're perfect and far away and that's that. what else can anyone do? nothing.
so i am searching for a distraction. (i am always searching for a distraction.) i could've had one for a few minutes if i hadn't fucked it up.
i want someone to reach out to me.
i am always reaching.
oh, fuck it. i'm a little drunk. after having a terrible headache after having drunk too much zzzquil and feeling like a zombie all day.
i should sleep. i should always just sleep.