what am i saying
12.07.13 | 9:53 pm

i'm tired and our house is really hot and i just spent hours drunkenly talking to you about why i feel bad about myself.

what is my life?

seeking validation from people i shouldn't.

halfway drunk after finishing a bottle of wine.

this house so hot i don't want to wear any clothes. knowing i have to be at work at 8:30a.

been reading old diaries tonight. thinking about how stupid i used to be and how i should be over that.

"tell me something good about yourself," you said, and then, "more. more."

it is so hot here but all i want is someone to lie beside.

there are some people in this world who i want to know everything about me.

i keep reading my old diary tonight (cest-la-vie-, rara/riot) and it just makes me sad sometimes.

my hair is getting longer. i told matt that after the massage my shoulders and neck no longer hurt when i touch them. "GOOBER" he said, "did they always hurt?" yes. "pain is bad. pain means FIX ME. not ignore!"

do i ever make sense anymore? it's hot.

i want for people to understand me.

you said i was talking shortly.



i would like to drink with you once like i did. again.

it's only eleven.

for two days it felt monumental. like i had been changed. i felt as though i were nothing because i was nothing to you.

that's not the case.

goddamnit i should've bought a fan today. i thought about it.

you know me better than most people but it's not this terrible desperate love on this side of the tracks anymore.

i do wonder why we need each other so badly.

why do you tell me you've called into work? wake me up from bad dreams?

why do i talk to you multiple times a day?

who will ever know. surely not me. you're perfect and far away and that's that. what else can anyone do? nothing.

so i am searching for a distraction. (i am always searching for a distraction.) i could've had one for a few minutes if i hadn't fucked it up.

i want someone to reach out to me.

i am always reaching.

oh, fuck it. i'm a little drunk. after having a terrible headache after having drunk too much zzzquil and feeling like a zombie all day.

i should sleep. i should always just sleep.

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