15.08.13 | 2:43 pm

i am having a weird day.

i have my last shift at walmart tonight and all this means to me is: school starts back in a week and a half. stress comes back. things pile up. days are long.

i feel like i've wasted my whole summer.

i feel broke.

i feel like i never receive what i want from people. is this on my end? expecting too much? expecting the wrong things from people who aren't obligated to give them?

my back has been hurting and now i have this spot on my left side that hurts and is aggravated and i do not understand why.

when emma and i are alone for a few hours at home it is really relaxing. and all we do usually is just lie on my bed. maybe i will do the dishes and she'll sit in the kitchen. it's just nice.

the other day i couldn't quit talking about how if i live alone in the future, i would get her a brother.

i feel weird. sometimes i just get this antisocial loner feeling and that's what i have now.

there are a lot of things i've had to adjust to since moving here. one of those things is that, in this group of people, once one person knows something, they all know it. i find that concept terrifying.

i am really worried about discovering that i don't like my classes this semester. i'm finally going to have teaching classes and linguistics classes, and if i end up hating them, what will i do?

power through it?


the thought of teaching english 100 in the spring is unnerving. people have always told me that i seem suitable to teaching, which is nice, but i know also how often i let people walk all over me and how terribly that presents itself in a classroom.

what if i'm not good at this?

what if i picked the wrong thing?

and maybe it's not the time to be worrying about it. maybe people do just power through things like this regardless of how they feel about it.

i would like to be able to get a job when i graduate, but hey, so would everyone else with a million more dollars in debt than me.

and the world isn't fair. the world doesn't say, "you deserve this, so here you go." that doesn't happen.

not to say i deserve it.

i never just take charge of my life and do what i want with it. i want to feel as though i do.

but i always feel lost. wandering.

i am always repeating myself.

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