i will try to find a little comfort in it
19.08.13 | 9:17 pm
the rash (while not very big) has now moved to my side--i mean, that spot i said hurt but there was no evidence on the skin? now the rash is there, too. i just wanted my mom to know what it was and fix it but she doesn't. it's probably nothing.
i feel listless. tonight i try to reach out and as soon as someone answers i retract again.
how do you tell someone, "i'm sad"? "talk to me even though i don't know what to say"?
the other day a couple of my friends visited me for a few hours. it was nice to see them but it brought up a couple of things.
one: camacho told them, too, about me and bryant. i don't understand why some people believe that certain information is theirs to tell to whomever they wish. i texted him and told him he sucked, but he never answered me and anyway, it's not like it matters because he wouldn't care regardless.
two: while i love them, i often feel judged by them. as though i'm not good enough. what i am doing does not compare to them--that type of thing. it's odd. and i don't believe that they mean to do it. sometimes it just feels as though they believe that what they love is more sophisticated than what i love, and somehow that makes them better than me. they will probably be moving to dc soon.
for some reason the only thing i want to do right now is talk to matt and cry. that is a very silly thing to want to do.
i know that.
i don't understand it.
the other night he said something offhanded to me and it really hurt my feelings. it was stupid, really, but it did. and a couple of nights later (while i was drunk off wine) i offhandedly told him that it made me mad.
and his response was to say, ":D you're mad at me about something!" and why i became outraged at the stupid smiling face and asked why he put it there he said, "cause you don't normally vocalize your madness and i knew it'd make you continue to do so."
he wound up telling me that people should be nicer to me. and he called me a few nights last week on his way home from work to make up for it, i think. i guess that's what he's doing.
i hate feeling like some people are so monumentally important to me and never feeling that reciprocated.
i almost erased all of that because i feel stupid for writing it down.
right now i understand that i am probably being dramatic (obviously) but i feel very alone right now.
classes are about to begin and i'm not ready for that. i may end up taking 12 graduate hours while still working and observing and attempting to figure out what i will teach in the spring.
everything sounds overwhelming right now.
i just want to cry and have someone rub my back a while.
eric's birthday was last week and i thought about it for a minute and then i wondered if i am still holding on to a lot of things i shouldn't be.
i want to feel important to someone. regardless of how terrible he made me feel about myself, i knew that he needed me, he made it clear that he needed me, and that filled some weird aching void within me.
i don't even have that now.
sometimes i wonder how he feels. how he looks back on everything.
it really doesn't matter.
before last semester ended, we (me and several other people) told the english department that they really shouldn't schedule eng 510 and 520 at the same time (any GAs entering the program have to have both of them before they teach the following fall, and they are only offered in the fall). no one listened to us. they ignored us repeatedly.
i checked my email tonight to find out, surprise, they had to change my class i'm signed up for around in order to allow for them to be at separate times.
way to prove how little you listen to your students, whose concerns were entirely valid.
if i take four classes now i may go crazy.
i told my dad today that i would probably go back to bg tomorrow (i've been here since saturday). i don't technically have anything to do until thursday, though, so their logic is, why not stay until you actually have to go back? it made me feel bad.
i wish i felt like i was doing the right thing. i don't believe that there is any point where something clicks and it's suddenly, "oh, i'm on the right path." but i wish there were.
results feel very far away. knowing that essentially i am stuck here for another year and a half at least until i finish my degree.
the other day the temperature made it feel like september. made it feel like murray. made me wish i had the same feelings i would have going back there: freshness. excitement. optimism.
being there filled me with a sense of purpose that i no longer have.
it always made me feel that anything was possible. that if i did work hard enough, i could get what i wanted.
now? i don't know about that.
louisville was a bust. living at home was a bust. bg is...
different. stifling, almost.
sometimes i just want to drive and drive and drive and not turn back. not for a while.
i don't ever really know what i'm saying. i'm only ever rambling and trying to figure something out.
i'm sleeping on the living room couch tonight and i just...