29.08.13 | 10:17 pm

i went home today so that my mother could surprise my father with his birthday present: a trip to boston to see a red sox game and tour the city. basically his dream vacation.

on the way back, my brother travis in the passenger seat, he talked to me about how he told mom that once i graduate he knows i'm going abroad, going somewhere, for at least a year.

god i want to go somewhere. anywhere that isn't here.

this entire week has been a constant up and down. expected, i think. i never transition well.

my rashes are slowly fading away but i'm still waking up in pain. the only thing i can look up about it that makes sense is "stress." no wonder. no one is surprised by this.

i need to relax.

tomorrow night i am going to drink a lot of wine and try hard not to worry. but first i am going to finish all of my 565 work and find two articles to review for 510.

i just feel heavy with everything i'm carrying around in my chest. i can't ever just shake it off. as long as i can remember, i've let things affect me more than i should.

ryan seth is going to classes to get his truck driving license. on the way home, travis reminded me, "truck drivers have to find a way to stay awake for a long time..."

of course, that hadn't occurred to me.

it's difficult for me to grasp that someone could be so completely unapologetic after essentially pulling this rug out from under you. after you've helped them so much.

i've been trying to think to myself: what have i done in my life that would make me deserve this?

and maybe that's not the way to go about it, but if it's balanced, then it would make me feel better.

the world isn't balanced.

i can understand needing to do something for yourself. i really can. but i can't understand not taking responsibility for it.

maybe i'm all wrong anyway. but i can't let it go.

and all i have tried to do is talk to a couple of specific people about it this week, but things come up, they forget, or they don't care.

all reasonable. don't get me wrong.

for most of the day i can walk around telling myself that it's okay that i'm angry. that it's okay that i no longer wish to be your friend. that i don't deserve that kind of treatment.

but then there's that voice that tells me to be empathetic. to be understanding. to be forgiving.

i hate that voice.

because that is the same voice that kept me in a bad place for such a long time.

no one is obligated to care.

when am i going to grow up and just push through it?

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