incoherent rambling
15.10.13 | 2:02 pm

i'm tired and headachey from last night's headache and i'm so cold because today i didn't wear a cardigan or bring my jacket. i feel like burrowing myself in my bed and watching the great gatsby over and over again so i can cry about how sad all of the characters are to me and how no one means anything to anyone (except maybe gatsby means something to nick) but all they ever do is use people, and isn't that what the world is really like anyway?

the entire book is filled with people who have this insane fear of intimacy, who can't get close to one another if their lives depend on it. the only reason nick likes jordan is because of how "cool" and "collected" she seems, and the moment she wants to be around him and maybe show an emotion, he goes home and leaves her there. gatsby is in love with an ideal so that he doesn't have to deal with being intimate with a real person. daisy lives a man who is unfaithful to her so that she doesn't have to feel attached to him, and tom repeatedly commits adultery so that he has all these people in the palm of his hand but he is close to none of them.

it's so sad.

i want a mayan hot chocolate to warm myself up.

i spend more money than i should. i'm going to be daria for halloween. i want someone to hug me and tell me that i don't need to stress out so much, because that's what i'm doing.

when i get overwhelmed, i just stop. it's a terrible habit.

some people just talk and talk and i just want to tune them out.

it's so obvious when i lie and say that i wasn't asleep. i wish i were more convincing. but i always just want to talk to people, to connect, and i love being lulled back to sleep by someone else's voice.

some days i feel like maybe i'm going in the right direction. some days i don't. today i feel like everything is wrong somehow, that i need a blanket.

when we watched scary movies sunday night, i say in between zehra and anthony and we all just cuddled all night and i pretended to be scared and it was nice.

why are shoes never really comfortable?

i want to lay my head on someone's shoulder and have them tell me good things. tell me stories from when they were a kid so i can laugh.

i think it is such a talent to be about to gauge when to say something funny amidst a serious conversation in order to relieve the tension.

i find so many good qualities in other people that i wonder if people see that in me. friends at work make fun of the fact that even when i'm saying something mean or sad, i end up saying it with a smile. i don't know.

i'm so cold. i'm anxious and worried about teaching next semester. i'm worried about several papers that are coming up as well as midterms. i'm always worried that i'm not as good a student as i think i am. i am freaking myself out for absolutely no good reason. i know that. i recognize that. but it's hard to move past that.

sometimes i think about what my silly goals were in high school. be an english teacher. get married by 23-24. start having kids at 25-26. all of that seems so ridiculous and overwhelming.

where will i go when i graduate? where will i live? will i be by myself? these questions shouldn't plague me now but they already do.

i should do homework. or sleep.

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