19.11.13 | 11:49 am

your timeline for moving into your own place has suddenly jumped from march to the beginning of january. (i wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that i should be there by january...)

i fell asleep at 9:30p last night with a raging headache, but i still always wake up right before midnight, my heart racing and waiting for you to call me. like, my body is hardwired to expect your call, to expect that conversation.


sometimes i am so hopeful and excited and full of these positive thoughts about everything and sometimes i bring it all crashing down with: this will never work, not in a million years.

and maybe it won't.

but i guess that doesn't mean i (we?) won't try.


all these things i know about you (not dating for the last three years, not having relationships lasting longer than about a month, not necessarily liking the possessive manner that some relationships take on) goes against us ever being together. but then the way you talk to me, talk about us... it's different.


last night, zehra rode with me to taco bell and we waited for at least 25 minutes in the line. but it was wonderful to connect with someone on another level, much more important than the levels before.

we discussed emotionally abusive relationships, mine with eric and hers with her roommate, and how these things negatively affected us and how it took us four years to get out. four years of being told how worthless we are, four years of being made to believe that everything was our fault and that we were lucky these people would put up with us, because obviously no one else would.

and then i told her about how matt is nice--he's nice to me. he's nice to me.

do you understand?

it's something i haven't felt in such a long time, not in this way. i am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who really do like me as a person, but finally, finally someone i appreciate and accept and adore feels the same way about me. finally. it felt like it would never happen again.

but it has. in the worst possible circumstances. but it has.

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