i wanna be good to you
16.02.14 | 9:15 pm
today is a bad day.
in twenty-three days, i will be able to crawl into bed with a warm body wrapped around mine, knowing that living, breathing being cares about me in ways i never imagined it really could.
he's been having some trouble at work and i am having trouble figuring out how to make him feel better about it. these things are difficult for me to navigate: do you try to make them happier, let them rant, get angry with them, find suggestions for improvement? too many options.
i had such a lovely, lovely birthday, but i couldn't help but wish he could've physically been here with me, holding my hand all through the night.
just twenty-three days and i'll see his goofy face and kiss his beautiful lips and not let him go (until eight days later, when i'll have to).
i've been having a bit of trouble with self worth lately. for the past three weeks, i've been doing really well and eating better and working out and doing lots of yoga. but one slip up and i'm my own worst critic. you can always find crueler things to say to yourself than someone else can.
i'm worried that when i meet all his friends, they'll immediately default to, "she's not pretty enough for him." the boy hasn't had a real girlfriend the entire time his friends have known him, so what do i have to offer? what makes me special?
and i just turned twenty-four and what do i have to show for it? still in school, trying to get this masters so i can finally find a job. you'd think i could be a little more accomplished. yes, i'm teaching two sections of english 100, so i'm gaining experience, but what beyond that? i don't go to conferences. i don't want to write a thesis (until i melt down and think that i really, really should if for no other reason than my ego). nothing makes me stand out. when i graduate, there is nothing that makes me more hire-able than the next person.
when december comes, where am i going to go? i talked to matt about this earlier today and avoided at all costs saying anything about colorado. nashville, i said, anywhere but kentucky, really. that's the only goal. but will i actually be able to achieve it? will it make me happy at all?
now that i have someone who, for some reason, seems to like me, i am plagued by thoughts of not being good enough. not in this whole i-am-not-good-enough-for-you way but in this i-want-to-be-the-best-possible-version-of-myself-for-you way. that's not something i've ever truly felt before.
but it's a double edged sword because most of my thoughts on myself are negative: why didn't you do better? what can you improve? how are you not this way instead of this way?
these are slippery slopes. navigating between knowing you love someone and being pretty sure they love you (but not certain) is difficult.
i wrote him a letter as part of his valentine's day present. i felt silly as soon as it was shipped off in the mail, but he told me how nice and kind it was, how much he loved it. i ended it with, "i can't wait until i get to see you again. i can't wait until i don't have to wait to see you anymore."
my brother got engaged to his girlfriend on valentine's day/my mother's birthday/the day after my birthday/aka the lamest day to ever propose to anyone ever. not to mention, he did it with my engagement ring that he's buying from my parents. (she isn't aware of that, but i find it hysterical.) nonetheless, i'm happy about it. morgan is so good for ryan seth. i'm honestly not sure how she puts up with him, but i guess someone has to.
kayley and i talked to matt on speakerphone in the car outside barnes and noble while he was driving to work. i was explaining this to him, why i thought getting engaged on any holiday is stupid, but especially for my family on valentine's day because it's my mom's birthday. kayley blurted out, "that's something for you to keep in mind," to matt and all i could think to say was, "you hush!" and keep talking.
trust me, i'm not ready to go off and get married, especially not to someone i've only physically been around for practically just a week. but i do wonder when people decide on each other. you know?
he's already talking about saving up enough PTO so that when i graduate in december he can take almost an entire month off just to be with me. he makes this grand plans for the future and i have a hard time saying anything past the next plane ticket.
i wonder if it's because he hasn't loved anyone before. but i know that even if someone starts out nice, they don't always end that way.
this is one giant ramble.
it's been a bad day. i just want to lie in bed and watch the newest episode of girls and cry.