don't cover your wounds with salt
25.02.14 | 1:06 pm

this job i was really hoping to score for the summer was offered to someone else in my program--to someone else by the professor we both had together. in that class, i was the only one who did the work, and this other person didn't even complete the last assignments for the course. i was found to be more competent in the environment in which we worked for a number of reasons. so why was i passed up?

i sat in class last night only half listening. instead i wrote down on a piece of paper all of these ways i lack in regards to jobs, friends, as a person in general. it's not healthy but i wasn't sure what else to do, and at the end of it all i wrote, "you're just tired. that's why you're thinking all this. you need some sleep."

that much was true. after all, i helped move two of my best friends to alexandria over the weekend, moved their stuff up three flights of stairs, spent the next two days sightseeing and walking roughly seven miles a day. i got home almost an hour later than expected due to the plane's delay, almost fell asleep driving the two hours home from the airport. crashed on my bed with a hand written letter from my boyfriend that was so nice it almost made me cry.

in two weeks, he gets here. only two weeks!

anyway, my roommate told me about another job this summer that's through the university. it pays more and is only about six weeks long and i wouldn't have to have another job for the remaining parts. it would be good experience and since my roommate actually held the position two years in a row, she's going to recommend me to the professor if they are looking for someone. i am really hoping for this, but my hopes aren't up. if i got it, it would enable me to spent a lengthy amount of time in colorado before the summer ends.

i get stuck in ruts sometimes. i guess we all do. i've been exhausted and down on myself for a few weeks, not feeling good enough and what have you, feeling less and less as though i'm worth much.

but i am a productive member of society (i guess). i do 95% of my schoolwork and i do it well. i make A's on my papers and on my tests, and my professors like me, and i speak up more in class now. (dr. reames, in particular, seems to really enjoy my comments in class which makes me so happy.) i'm a good friend for the most part, people like me, and i have a wonderful pup who loves me, too. my boyfriend may be far away but he likes me for whatever reason and he'll be here soon enough in person.

i miss him frequently.

i don't know what i'm doing most of the time, but i'm trying. i think that's what matters.

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