thoughts in the west
29.07.14 | 2:32 pm

yesterday, i went to matt's work and got to hide out in the conference room until we headed out to the karaoke bar with some coworkers.

a few of the ladies he works with were so excited to meet me--they said that matt talks about me all the time, no, gushes about me constantly.

at the bar, his arm was constantly around me, holding my hand, he was kissing my cheek or my temple and was so excited to get me to meet everyone.

i don't know that i have ever felt so accepted by someone before. what did i expect? for some reason, that he would be ashamed of me somehow.

and that, of course, is all linked to body image.

i have a lot to work on. i've never really dated someone who i considered more attractive than myself (is that weird to admit?) and so i have never dealt with the slight jealousy i feel with matt.

for the past week, we have eaten all the things, drank a lot of wine, laid in bed for hours and hours... and today was the first day i ran in a couple of weeks (1.56 miles--it's so much harder to breathe up here! especially going uphill!).

here is something i have realized: i feel sexiest when i am wearing my workout clothes, either about to go run or having just gotten back.

here is something i have realized: i feel immensely better about myself when i am eating better and being active on a daily basis.

this may feel all pushed together but the progression makes sense in my head.

matt makes me feel good about myself and that is something i am thankful for.

he is so completely not nervous about much of anything (the complete opposite of me) and he is so fine with parading me around to all these people. i am always nervous and it worries me when i introduce anyone to anyone else because i worry about how personalities will mesh and will they all like each other because i really want them to?!

i want to be more like him.

i've had three people now tell me i have to move out here when i graduate. it's interesting.

i want to lose another twenty lbs by my birthday.

i'm going to eat delicious mexican food with matt's mexican mother tonight.

tomorrow we are going to make (a healthy!) dinner.

friday, we pick up john ryan and dacia and we will spend about four days with them.

i want them to really like me (they already think i'm nice yada yada).

i like being here and i like yoga and running and i am going to make matt run with me tomorrow or the next day and we are going to take lots of walks and maybe drink less alcohol and still have all the wonderful sex i've been having and i will continue feeling partially fulfilled here at least so far as this relationship goes--

because i know that when i get back home, things will be hard again.

it'll only be a month this time between seeing each other (not FOUR, thank god), but it's still hard.

<< | >>