floating.
20.02.15 | 2:30 pm
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the day matt and i celebrated valentine's day, we were in the denver aquarium, petting the sting rays. his cell phone rang, and it was his dad, confirming what we were already sure we knew--he has prostate cancer.
he has surgery in early march, a few days before matt's 27th birthday.
needless to say, that puts quite a damper on the romance, on the entire day, on the whole week.
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a couple of days ago, i went to a hair salon to have a couple of inches taken off my hair and a few layers put in. i showed the hair dresser a picture of what i expected.
my hair is about three inches shorter than that picture.
and i hate it.
when i got home, matt didn't even notice that about five inches of my hair was gone. he didn't notice i looked different.
i cried on the bed because it was the first time anyone other than my mother had laid a hand on my hair, and it was completely fucked up.
what i think my hair looks like:
-a random girl mullet, since the layers in the front are so much shorter than the back of my hair
-as though my hair is growing out from a shitty haircut, although it has just been cut
this, coupled with the fact that for a month or so i have felt lazy, fat, and terrible about myself, has not improved my self-esteem.
the couple of inches i wanted gone so as to lift my hair a little bit turned into about five, and i wasn't ready. i love short hair, but i wasn't ready to have short hair again.
never in my life have i cried over a haircut. i am not typically attached to my hair--i cut it, dye it, whatever all of the time, but it's always been at the hands of my very trustworthy mother, who understands my hair and somehow always understands what i want.
i keep trying to make it look better, and i guess i have slightly more volume, but i hate it. i hate it so much.
luckily, my hair grows fairly fast. in about five months, maybe six, it'll be close to where i wanted it to be to begin with.
but for now i'm left with a shitty haircut, a shitty hairstyle, and left feeling like i look so much worse than when i started.
and i know that matt doesn't even like short hair (and believe me, that's not the point here), but he's being nice about how it looks on me. but i know he probably doesn't like it, just how i don't like it, and it makes me feel less and less and less sexy forever.
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i still can't get on track with anything.
i feel listless, with no direction. not having a job to physically go to, not having people to physically hang out with, not ever making any real plans that don't involve either just me or me and my boyfriend, is killing me.
i need something to do.
i don't feel rested at all, and i know it's because i'm eating poorly and i'm not working out consistently.
i sleep and sleep and sleep and i never feel good.
when i wake up, we roll around, eat breakfast, and then what? watch tv? maybe walk emma? and at 1:30, i start working, and i work until about 9:30, and then matt gets home. and then what? watch tv? eat dinner?
it all feels so purposeless right now.
i am applying to jobs like crazy, it feels like. i have another interview next week. but nothing seems to be actually panning out.
right now, i am just hoping with all of my hope that a teacher at lci quits in march and i will have a part time spot, maybe 20 hours a week, at $25 an hour. i could still work part-time 15 hours online at $12 an hour, and it would be sufficient. i could deal with that.
i feel like i have no money. there is $150 in my checking account, and i don't get paid until next week. i guess that's fine.
but i want to start paying more of my loan. and i just got a new cell phone contract that's $80 a month, and rent is $500 on my end, and everything else is about $100. basically, out of my roughly $1000 paycheck, i'll have about $300 left for the month.
although, i may actually have a class with the community college in march.
we'll see.
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i don't know. i think once i actually get a job, i'll feel better about myself. i'll feel like i have a purpose again.
right now i'm floating.