random ramblings
22.04.15 | 8:51 am

last night, i felt very antsy and so instead of watching tv, i convinced matt to drink a little wine with me, play rummy, do partner yoga, and listen to songs i loved in high school.

it was quite nice. very nice, actually.


i can't shake this feeling of hating my body right now.

there are three weddings this year, and i would like to look better for each of them.

i have started running again. i'm doing yoga. i'm going to our tiny apartment gym. but still, when i'm done, i eat everything, i cancel everything out, and i drink wine.

more than anything, i still hate my hair. this haircut is atrocious. i want to cut it again, cut it shorter, a la lena dunham in season three of girls, but now i'm terrified. i'm scared i'll go somewhere, they'll fuck it up, and then there won't even be anywhere else for my hair to go!

i don't feel sexy. i don't feel good about myself.

i don't know how to get out of this rut besides continuing to work out and trying to be better. my hamstrings are very tight right now, and i feel like i shouldn't work out today (i have for the past four days straight).

we've been watching daredevil and many of the scenes are quite dark, and when that happens, i can see myself in the reflection on the tv: rolls upon rolls of fat, looking as if one is melting into the other, like an ice cream cone on the sidewalk in the summer.

i know it's not helpful to think like that. but i do.


i had an interview monday for a job i really wanted, mostly because it's actually in castle rock. a 10 minute drive to work? sign me up.

so the interview went really well until the final question: do you have a teaching license? no. faces fall.

i put that on my application. why even interview me?

i don't know, but i have another interview on friday, and i'm doing a sample teaching lesson, and it's all the way in aurora, blah blah it would be really nice and i'd love to have it.

i'd love to have only one job.

regardless, i signed up to teach literally any class with the language institute today, so we'll see how that goes.

at this point, it feels like i'll always be floating in a sea of a million jobs, never having just one to devote all my time to.


tonight, matt and i are going to trivia, and i'm really excited.

this past week has been beautiful.

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