will i ever have a job? who can say.
04.05.15 | 10:30 am

i wish i could figure out why i feel so inadequate all the time.

for the past few weeks everything has been really good job related, family related, relationship related. no real complaints for any of these.

i feel really awkward around matt's friends though, for some reason. i can't figure out why but it makes me nervous and moody and i don't understand it. they are all so vulgar in a sexual way all the time and i think it makes me uncomfortable. i think that must be it. i guess it makes me wonder what they talk about when i'm not there (as in how much worse it is).

kind of like how when i was still in kentucky, i got really mad once about how he discussed our sex life in some pretty decent detail to his coworkers. like, most of his coworkers. which (understandably, i think) sincerely pissed me off.

also i am screwing my brain over a little bit. i understand what matt likes physically in all of these girls and every time i see someone or am around someone who fits that description i feel incredibly insecure. that's not really his fault; that's mine. that's stuff i'm dealing with, i guess, and it's hard.


so i find out this week if i have any classes at this job for the next term, and i am bracing myself for none. i am the newest person and i only have one class this term, so i doubt i will see anything for the next term.

we will see, but i doubt much will come of it.

i keep trying to find full-time jobs but i am convinced at this point that will never happen. not here, anyway.

matt gets his wisdom teeth out tomorrow and when he is totally high on pain meds and everything i am worried he will not say something sweet and adorable about me but something disappointing about me instead, if at all. i think that's a silly fear, but brittany is babysitting him for me because i have to work and i will be very embarrassed if something like that happens.

i don't understand why i am doing this to myself--because i really am doing it to myself.

last night i had a dream that matt and i were pregnant (Well, just me, but you understand) and also we moved to iowa because for some reason i was going to school there. well, once we got moved in, he decided he didn't love me anymore and went back to colorado or wherever and then i was stuck there wanting an abortion but i couldn't get one because the baby was too far along.

like, what the fuck, dreams? why do i keep dreaming i am pregnant and all of these other terrible possibilities?

i don't even know what i'm writing about, but i don't want to buy a million expensive plane tickets to go home for a million weddings. why did three of my brothers decide they needed to get married this year? whyyyyyyy?

also, all of the people matt works with think he is an asshole. and he's not. and it bugs me so much.

i can't wait until he is at his new job with actually professional people. i don't know.

i am a bundle of uncertainty right now, and i think that's really all it boils down to.

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