rambling about everything as always
29.05.15 | 4:51 pm

i'm tired of looking at jobs, i'm tired of looking at where to teach abroad, i'm tired of not having friends i can call and have show up at my door.

for the most part i am happy. but i am more and more certain i won't get a full time job here. in kentucky, i had one full time offer, and was going to be interviewed for two other full time jobs.

colorado? nothing.

having people visit me makes me miss being home. being in kentucky, anyway, and being close to people.

i guess it's hard to make friends, especially when i don't live in the same town where i work. matt's friends don't count. it's not the same. they're nice but they aren't the kind of people i would normally make friends with.

i feel sometimes really accomplished--i have a master's degree and all. but then it's worth...it's worth nothing here. practically. to be fair, i wasn't laid off only because i have a master's, but still.

there is nowhere here i can get a job without a teaching license it seems like. every interview leads nowhere.

i told matt all of that this week. he just finally got his "real job" without even having to fucking apply and without a fucking degree at all (and yes, that is raging jealousy you sense), so even if he wanted to transfer we'd have to wait two fucking years.

so i told him i may go abroad next year. which is a very distinct possibility.

mostly i reminded him i was finding jobs in kentucky. just not here. he was sad and said, "i'm trying to figure out the right thing to do." i told him there is no right thing. everything feels like a bust.

he said after two years maybe we could transfer to tennessee or kentucky. but i pointed out that that means me not having a real career for two more fucking years.

i don't know. i love him but i'm not willing to not have my own career for him.

maybe i am being premature. after all, it takes most graduates on average six months to find a job... oh wait. june is six months.

not counting the three months i spent looking last semester.

i like colorado (although i think i'm really sensitive to the altitude change and i think it really affects me actually) and i love matt but i don't know.

i'm just writing to get it all out.

my throat has been sore all week and i have literally gotten a headache every single day and now my entire fucking mouth hurts, i think because i changed my toothpaste. which is stupid, by the way.

my one fairly good friend here is moving back to california in august.

i'm sooooo hungry.

i don't know. i'm done.

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