doors unlocked and open
25.07.15 | 11:13 pm

i'm lying in bed reading old diaries and, even better, old notes. it's funny the advice people give, the same things everyone goes through. in my diaries i always seem so sad (and part of that is because it's where i go when i'm sad). but rereading entries and recognizing how terrible i felt for demanding to be loved the way i needed, feeling as though everything was always my fault...

my friends, in my notes, always noticed it--they noticed it years before i ever did. and there's a lot to be said about that and to be thankful for.

i wonder if now all my diary entries seem sad. i don't consider myself a sad person, really, but it's easy for me to feel beaten down and defeated.

right now my life feels simultaneously wide open and closed off. there are many options for me to choose, but they all feel like a dead end or not as accessible as i'd like. it's like being in a room full of doors, the thought of possibilities, but every time you open a door there's a brick wall.

what a terrible metaphor. i used to be so much better at expressing myself.

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