i want to go home.
12.08.15 | 9:15 am

i cried on the way to work this morning.

i'm exhausted. it seems like another teacher may be taking my private lesson on tuesdays/thursdays (thank god) but it's not sure yet. that would be helpful, i guess, but a hit to my paycheck, as well.

all i am doing is: waking up, driving to work for an hour, working working working working working, driving home for an hour, eating, watching tv, sleeping.

literally. that's all i'm doing.

it's miserable.


last night, matt took a few pictures of me on the couch with molly (his sister's dog that we are watching while they have their floors stained). that's fine, but then he put the pictures on facebook, which is also fine, except that one of the pictures might be the most unflattering picture i've ever seen of myself in the world.

in the picture, you can see how gigantic my arms are, it's from the side of my face that i hate (my face is pretty asymmetrical, so i really do hate one side of my face), and i'm leaning on the couch in such a way that i have the biggest double chin in the known world.

i know these flaws about myself. i know them, but seeing them--for real--seeing them from how other people see them was a serious blow.

so i asked matt to take it down.

he said, "but whyyyyyyyyyy? whyyyyyyy?" and this infuriated me so much that i just shot back, "you fucking know why. don't be a dick and make me explain it to you."

i have never asked someone to take a bad picture of me down before, but i don't know if i have ever hated a picture of myself this much. it felt like a punch to the gut.

so he deleted. and when we got in bed, he hugged me and said, "you're so beautiful, you're so sexy, you're so..." and on and on.

but he doesn't realize that at this point, those words are absolutely pointless and only enrage me. he's only saying it in response to my reaction.

his compliments are always "you're beautiful" or "you're sexy" and only at random times when i hate how i look so... it's meaningless. it's literally meaningless to me.

they're never specific. he never says "your hair looks really nice when you pull it back like that" or "that dress makes your ass look great."

maybe because they're never true.

i've tried explaining this to him, but he doesn't get it.

i've tried explaining so many things to him, but he doesn't get it.

this, coupled with the fact that everything sucks (working always means i'm never working out or walking to dogs and i'm not eating anything that's healthy at all), coupled with the fact that we are not having very much sex (1. i'm exhausted 2. i hate how i feel and look) just makes everything worse.

and when i try to have sex, it sucks. it seriously just sucks. it follows the same pattern: let's lie down on the bed. matt will kiss me and do literally nothing else, just lie there and kiss me, his hands by his goddamn side, until i get so fucking bored that i suck his dick in hopes that we can move forward and MAYBE he could just doing something FOR ME JUST FOR ME FOR GODDAMN ONCE IN HIS GODDAMN LIFE.

i will read this later and really hate how i said it, but i don't fucking care. i am so exhausted and over everything right now. yes, he's super nice, but goddamn it, no matter how much i try to teach him or explain to him, he doesn't understand how to be a good boyfriend.

he just doesn't.



to add: i know my confidence isn't matt's responsibility, but still.

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