the impossibility of everything
19.08.15 | 10:53 am

sometimes, like this morning, it hits me--how deeply unhappy i feel.

i cried a bit on the drive. i was tired, my belly was full, i had a headache. my schedule is full. and every day feels the same, nothing changes, and there is nothing fulfilling.

and sometimes, like this morning, driving to work in terrible traffic just like every day, i think about how my happiness probably wouldn't increase or decrease no matter where i was.

if i leave colorado, i'll feel like a failure--someone who couldn't really deal with the difference.

if i leave colorado, i'm going to miss matt and the relationship we have--even though we aren't perfect, there is so much love for him in my heart.

if i go to kentucky, i'll be happy to be home, near family and friends, but i'll feel like a failure again. and what if i don't find a job there, either? failure.

if i stay in colorado, i'm still going to be sad i'm so far from my friends and family and missing so much. i'm still going to be sad i don't have any relationships like those here.

if i go abroad to teach, i will feel successful i think, but i'll have no one (originally); there will be so much culture shock. i will be alone. i will probably not be able to take my dog.

life feels so... stagnant. and stale. and depressing.

even though matt and i had a really good weekend (mostly the product of me chilling out and actually relaxing and not taking things out on him) and even though last night was a lot of fun, i still woke up this morning inexplicably in despair.

i just don't know what to do, and i don't think i ever will.

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