about to cry at my cubicle, nbd
14.09.15 | 8:35 am

last night, matt and i were having trouble being tired at the same time, so when we finally went to bed, neither of us was actually tired at all.

he sighed a really long sigh and asked, "are you happy here?"

i waited a moment and answered, "i don't know. most of the time, i think. are you?"

"i don't know. most of the time."

and so ensued our actual first discussion about what we are going to do in december/january.

we've had mini-talks about this before; they mostly consisted of me saying, "i don't know if i'll fly home because i might be driving."

eventually, he asked, "what are we going to do if you move back? about us?"

it took me a long time to answer. "i don't know. the long distance relationship was really, really hard on me."

"it was on me, too," he said. and we both concluded that we didn't really like that idea, especially if there was no end date.

he then brought up himself buying a condo. with the rent prices out here, that would be the only way he could afford to live on his own--to actually buy something. he said that i could live with him and continue working here until i figured something out. he asked what i would do back in kentucky.

"live at my parents'? hope that i actually get a job?" i don't know.

everything is so up in the air right now, but last night felt like the beginning of the end.

i listened to songs on the way to work this morning that made me cry. songs i listened to when i was pining over him, certain he would never love me.

but he has loved me, and he has been so kind. despite everything, he has loved me so, so hard.

and i him.

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