"it's like you're in some kind of hurry to say goodbye"
16.09.15 | 4:21 pm

ever since matt and i had that talk about december/january, it has felt to me like something is dying and i have to sit here and watch it and care for it until it passes.

last night, we had sex before bed but it felt so different to me; (i think to him it was fine) but i felt detached and sad the whole time.

my commute took over an hour today to get to work, which gave me a lot of time to think and of course to cry while sitting in stopped traffic. and all the thoughts kept flowing through me, and i thought, i could leave at the end of this term (at the beginning of october). i could pay matt rent for the next three months, and refund my flight for my brother's wedding, and just drive back home, not even tell my parents, just show up at the door and they'll say "what are you doing here?" and i'll answer "i'm home" and that'll be the end of it.

by the time i got to work, i was so worked up and headachey from crying that i texted matt that it felt to me like now we were just waiting for the end, but he texted back that he doesn't think it'll end, he's not ready to give up.

but i feel like we're so different and I JUST DON'T KNOW. i really don't. there have been so many things against us from the beginning: long distance, the fact that he's literally spent a week with my family (and that's it), the fact that we don't really have friends here so i don't have anyone else to hang out with, the fact that anyone i really know is in denver, not out here, the fact that we went pretty immediately into living with each other and went from too much space to no space. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

yesterday, i went to a free consultation with this personal trainer. i am so sick of my body and sick of hating everything about it that i figured the money would be worth it (especially since i have some extra).

it was the most uplifting thing i've done in a long time.

he told me how great my form actually was (instead of me thinking it would be awful). when i was squatting, he told me that i had great definition in my soleus muscle, and he said he could tell that i was a runner. i haven't run in so long but i used to love it so, so, so much, but being out here makes it feel impossible (altitude).

he actually made me feel like i should feel good about myself, and no one has been able to do that in such a long time.

even matt, when i was telling some new friends about how i used to run, modified it with, "well, she jogs, not runs." so they asked my speed, and i said about 10 minutes per mile, to which everyone said, "that's great, that's better than i could do."

i know that's his job, but he's good at it. and no one has made me feel that good in a long time. it made me feel like my body is good--like it does so many things correctly, and it can be even better at those things if i want it to.

i came home sick from work today. i was already headachey and sickish from lack of sleep (exhaustion really affects me). normally, i'm such a good sleeper. it's one of the big differences between matt and i--i sleep so well and he never does, he can't even sleep through the night. well, i haven't been sleeping well since our conversation. i keep myself up, i wake myself up with terrible dreams, i just don't feel rested. so i felt terrible. then, during my third class, i started flushing really hot, and feeling light headed, and like i might puke, so they let me leave.

i watched the movie 6 Years, and if you want to watch something that will rip your heart out and make you want to die even more, watch that movie.

then i took a bath, except i got my ears under the water which i hate, and then i had water in my ears, and now i'm sitting naked on the couch writing this, waiting for matt to get home so we can talk, thinking i'll probably try to be drunk or high by the time he gets here.

which is another thing: when i start to want to get drunk about three or four days a week, that's when you ought to know something is wrong or bad or something and it ought to change.

i want this to change, i think i want to go home. i don't know if i actually want to go home. i don't know where i will go.

but i'm so scared of starting over. i'm afraid of being alone. and i don't want to have to do all this again, just for the same result.


i'll probably feel fine soon. i think we will probably be fine, and continue through the end of the year. but i don't know.

who will ever know anything ever.

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