14.12.15 | 10:20 am

i legitimately think i hate myself.

i am hurting this person who loves me so much. who, no matter what i do, literally, no matter what i do, still loves me, doesn't make me explain, doesn't force me to apologize.

what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing

everything hurts. especially my eyes.

last night we talked, he said, "do you want to get drunk tonight?" we both laughed, got up, and i asked for a hug. we just stood there, our arms around each other, sobbing, catching our breath.

he told me this morning that he wants to talk about this tonight. that he will do anything to make it work.

there is so much wrapped up in this.

do i go home? failure. also, losing $2000 from the lease we signed (all on me because of course).

do i stay here? failure. why stay in a place where you don't have anyone just for your shitty job.

do i go home? failure. what kind of job am i going to find there? at least i'm teaching esl here.

do i stay here? failure. i'm basically going to be close to broke if i have to pay this $1065 rent a month all by myself, not including bills, gas, food, etc. (that's not true. i won't be broke.)

do i go home? everyone i know and love is there. i won't be lonely, but i'll probably be miserable.

do i stay here? isn't that the adult thing to do? keep your jobs, keep moving forward, even though the person you love is only 40 miles away. if that.

what do i do

i have basically 2 days to decide

and i have this man who cares about me above anything else - literally - offering to move, to do anything to change my mind

and i love him so much. it's not that the love isn't there, because it is.

but i don't know if i would ever want to marry him.

does that matter right now?

i don't know.

i feel like maybe it's the right decision but there's so much piling on top of it i can't tell. there's too much intertwined.

he said, what if you live by yourself but we keep dating

why does he love me so much

why the fuck would anyone love me this much

<< | >>