i know i am a stupid hypocrite okay thanks
13.04.16 | 6:48 pm

when i was much younger (17-21) and dating eric (300 lb semi abusive ex-fiancé), i got into the habit of punishing myself when he was upset with me.

i didn't cut myself or burn myself or anything like that.

i ate.

i binged.

i stuffed a sickening amount of food into my mouth and swallowed it, hoping to make myself hurt. there was no enjoyment in this. there was just the idea of becoming the disgusting, terrible person i knew i was on the inside on the outside.

and, of course, as this happened often, i gained weight.

eventually, i managed to break up with him and regain a sense of myself. but the practice of punishing myself in this way stayed.


i have not had a good week. obviously.

i broke up with my boyfriend on the day of prom, he didn't overreact, i cried until i thought i wouldn't cry anymore. and then on sunday night, sitting on the couch, i said, "i don't know how to do this."

we talked. i explained the truth, which was/is that i really, truly do love him, but i am not happy.

and he somehow convinced me that we could try and change and see if i end up happier.

the fact that we finally discussed a lot of things i have been keeping in felt therapeutic. it's hard when you consistently hang on to things and don't discuss them. with anyone.

but the past three days, i've been walking around like a hollow shell of myself. i'm so tired. it feels like maybe i could actually be on the worse side of sad.

and tonight i came home and ate an entire box of pastaroni all by myself, all the while thinking, "this is disgusting. you are disgusting."

these are similar thoughts to what i used to have when i would buy a pint of ice cream and eat it for dinner because my boyfriend hated me and vice versa.


i honestly don't know how to navigate these things. neither of us have anywhere else to go but this expensive apartment.

we are supposed to have sex tonight and i had to convince myself that i shouldn't have a glass or two of wine beforehand (we talked about that too, in a limited sense). we are supposed to go on a date on saturday.

i feel stupid. there's nothing more to it than that. (yes there is.)

but i do feel that way. and i still feel stuck and unattractive and gross and terrible.

but none of it is his fault.


we talked about these changes we could make. like him taking more care of himself, not getting high as often, not only watching tv forever.

and last night he came home, emma jumped on my stomach, i said ow no get down and matt thought it would be funny to make her jump on me again. i get mad, don't talk, and then he gets high and only wants to watch tv.


i know the answer, i just don't know how to get there.

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