trying to figure it out
10.05.16 | 4:42 pm

i am feeling sort of terrible. everything at my job has gone well since january - really, so well - but now about half of my students failed the standardized test they have to pass to take college courses.

there are a lot of factors that go into this. the fact that they haven't had any english teachers (i mean before me) actually teaching, grading, or recording.

said standardized test is also being changed for the fall because it is a terrible indicator of college readiness and how well they write an essay.

lots of my students honestly should never have been pushed forward to my class. the teachers before me (like i said) practically took no grades and were generally terrible.

anyway, that doesn't change the fact that i should've focused more on what's on the test (literally just sentence skills) and a little less on the big ideas (like can you actually make a decent argument).

i get it. and i'm not in trouble really, although that's what i was expecting. they all get a second retake regardless, and ours has been pushed back a few days in order to focus on these issues.

so, you know, this is literally the only thing i've been able to focus on because that's how my brain works. now, all the great things i've done in my job don't matter as much - they're overshadowed by this.

even the fact that the students who call me mom got me mother's day presents is overshadowed.

i couldn't even stop thinking about it while we watched the new captain america movie last night. and today, i've just been so sick to my stomach.

i am trying to tell myself that everyone fails at something in their job, but then i think about what a big fuck up this is.


i don't know. but i do know how much i love my boyfriend. i can't ever fucking explain myself but he's perfect, so perfect and caring to me, and i want to help him improve his life and be happy.

i've felt really good since the last time i freaked out, which really just seems to be a pattern.

i'm trying to figure it out.

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