thinking of this all
01.06.16 | 5:58 pm

i am either just terrified to commit or i know this isn't what i want.

and i honestly don't know the actual answer to that.

i am away, i am more settled now, and i still ache to talk to matt every day and still feel the pull of being in colorado with him and our dogs and still want to play stardew valley with him.

but i also know how miserable i have been for a year and a half.

what it comes down to: is it matt? is it our less than normal relationship circumstances? is it being in colorado, away from my friends and family? is it my unrealistic expectations, for example - would i feel this way with anyone? or is it actually just the simple fact that we are so different and that it hurts my soul sometimes?

i really do feel that there is so much tied up into it that it's difficult to figure out.

i also know that there are some things i don't like about matt, but that there would be things i don't like about everyone. these things include that he is sometimes very loud/obnoxious. it gets worse when he drinks. sometimes it feels like all of his stories he tells people are about being ridiculously drunk or taking lots of illegal drugs. he is always willing to be in conflict, whereas i am not. (not in a mean way - he just likes to argue for fun.) it frustrates me that most of my good friends don't seem to really get along with him - or, at the very least, they find him a little distasteful for the same reasons.

it is sad for me to admit that i want my family and friends to love whoever i date wholeheartedly. and i know it's dumb too.

i put a lot of pressure not only on myself but on our relationship. i just wish things in general were easier. like we could go out for a day and simply have a good time.

i will figure it out.

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