11.07.16 | 1:15 pm

Last night, i had a terrible dream. There was a girl who had recorded a year's worth of Matt telling her how much he loved her and cared about her and how sexy he thought she was - all while he was dating me. She recorded it all, she put it together in a video, and she showed the video to me like it was no big deal. But it was nasty, and it was meant to show how worthless I was. It was meant to prove I'm not good enough.

I woke up from the dream at 2:30am, freaked out, and texted Matt about it. I just wanted confirmation that he thinks I'm pretty, sexy, worth having, but I didn't get any of that. Everything he was saying made me feel worse, like he was skirting around the question and couldn't answer it honestly in the way I wanted, needed, him to.

This summer has been a whirlwind full of exhaustion, but I go home this week. I'm just worried about what it's going to be like.

After being home for two months, I'm now worried that while I was gone, Matt found someone else to love, to kiss, to think about, someone who is so much better than me. He actually hung out with a lot of people this summer for once, and now I think that when I get back home, he'll realize how much better he felt around these other people. And he won't want me. Because there are always, always other people - ones who are a hell of a lot less complicated than me.

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