23.09.16 | 8:47 pm

i am home alone tonight, drinking wine and watching old episodes of new girl. and i'm so tired because this job is exhausting. it's like i literally never have real time to myself, and when i do, i'm so exhausted that all i can muster is watching tv or playing stardew valley.

what happened to whenever i used to write? and loved writing? and am i really supposed to work 8 hours and come home and work 1-4 more? and work at least 8 hours on the weekend? is this what being an adult is?

i want to feel fulfilled. i want to have people to hang out with when matt is house sitting instead of drinking by myself.

i want to feel all in, about anything.

i really like teaching but i feel like i'm constantly failing and nothing is ever quite good enough and the littlest moments set me back.

i want to be a bird shirt person.

i am all over the map - i am cooking but eating everything, doing yoga but feeling like the laziest mother fucker in the world. nothing is ever quite good enough.

matt is supposed to take me on an actual date tomorrow. i don't even remember the last time we went on a date. we both work so much and are so tired.

but i often wish that he had any forethought. that he would plan things out. that he would surprise me.

i just never know - obviously everyone has downfalls - but which ones are worth staying for and which ones should you leave for?

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