what i wanna do
04.03.17 | 3:47 pm

i just decided to get dressed up and do my makeup and everything. not really sure why. matt and i are eating dinner at home tonight and then going to sam's club and nothing else.

we had a talk the other day about how i am so tired of always being the one to plan things, dates, outings, etc. otherwise we don't do anything. and i like going out, i really like surprises - and i want that in my life.

we've actually been doing really well lately. most of the time i'm happy but i'm teetering between where i'll be next year.

i'm so tired of living in apartments (but can't afford a house here), i love my job and don't think i'll find a comparable one back home, i miss having friends who will regularly hang out with me, i don't know.

i want a place to call my own. i want to travel. i want a backyard where i can drink wine with my friends in the summer while the dogs run around. i want to go to the grand canyon, to california to visit two of my friends, back to europe.

i want to lose weight so i feel like I'm worth something, and i want to feel worth something without having to lose weight.

it makes me sad that, i think, this really is what life is. this constant indecision and dissatisfaction.

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