airport anniversary
30.09.17 | 10:23 am

timehop was kind enough to remind me that on this day last year, matt left me at the airport. that on this day last year, i felt my heart officially break. i cried in the airport bathroom, on the airport couches, in the airport halls. i bought a $13 margarita that was disgusting. and i knew, for certain at that moment, that we definitely would not last. it was official. and it hurt.

once i was in murray, five hours later than planned, i had to pretend i was okay, i had to attend a beautiful wedding between two people who made me believe in love, and i had to wrestle with the fact that the person i was with was not the person i would always be with.

---

i'm on my way to the beach for break. i don't even particularly like the beach, but maybe i can at least read the three books i bought, and get some work done, and try to relax.

next weekend, i'll be with my best friend seeing one of our favorite bands for the fourth time together.

i'm actually finally feeling okay - not the kind of pushing myself to be fine because i think i have to, but actually okay to think about how things ended and be at peace with them. it's a nice feeling, to look toward the future positively and to actually be happy to wonder what's in store.

---

this is what i wrote here about it last year:

and in that moment, i knew. i knew that this is what i should have expected. i knew, in my heart, that he wasn't going to be there. i knew.

but my heart is broken. when the plane landed, i felt it - and the entire weekend, and every day since, i've felt so heavy with a sense of burden and grief.

i hope the beach is better for me this year.

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